Abandoned. Blamed. Confused. Depressed.
For years, I analyzed, What did I do to ask for such inappropriate, unwanted attention? What boundaries did I fail to enforce? What could I have done differently? Why do I feel so terrorized, guilty and humiliated by his actions? Why won’t anyone believe me? Why do people believe his lies? Why did no one come to my defense? Why was he allowed to run roughshod over me and ruin my reputation? How could I have been so naive and stupid to be so unaware of his subtle, grooming verbal seductions?
Lest you think I’m comparing my violated feelings with the violation of bodily penetration, I’m not. While I suffered the debilitating after effects of reporting misconduct, I don’t believe for one second that what I experienced even comes close to the physical and emotional devastation shouldered by women or men, adults or children violated by acts of rape or incest.
To learn how to cope with and overcome my emotional trauma and stress, I sought professional counseling. I contacted a Christian inpatient hospital only to be told I could not check in. Reason given? Too many employees from that organization were in therapy and they could not guarantee confidentiality. At that point, I thought, Beyond ridiculous . . . just my luck, and then laughed hysterically in appreciation for the comic relief.
After unpacking my experiences at another treatment center, the counselor handed me 30 questions to answer regarding habitual behaviors I’d witnessed in Mr. Enjoy Himself at My Expense. I marked a confident “Yes” to twenty-eight out of those 30 questions, identifying actions I’d observed many times. When I asked the counselor, “What if I pray and ask God to change this man’s heart, will it help? The counselor’s pronouncement sobered my empathy. “Nope. Prayer will never help. He’s a sociopath.”
I wish I hadn’t been such a slow learner regarding the timeless promises written by Warrior King David in Psalm 18:47‑48 regarding my only Defender, El Nathan Neqamah, The God Who Avenges Me or the wise words of Mr. Angry Transformed to Saint in 2 Peter 3: 3; 8-9 (NASB): “The God who executes vengeance for me, and subdues peoples under me. He delivers me from my enemies; Surely You lift me above those who rise up against me; You rescue me from the violent man.” “Know this first of all, that in the last days mockers will come with their mocking, following after their own lusts . . . . But do not let this one fact escape your notice, beloved, that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like one day. The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.”
God often withholds justice to extend mercy and I’m glad He does. How many times have my hurtful attitudes and actions needed mercy — not getting the punishment I deserve — from El Elohiym Rachuwm, The Merciful God of Compassion? Trust me, justice denied is terribly painful. Revenge only leaves the stings of bitterness. However, justice tastes sweet upon arrival.