Congress Announces Breakthrough: Will Argue in Iambic Pentameter to Speed Up Gridlock

by Tammy Pondsmith
Lobbyist Whisperer, Article 107 News

In an historic bid to modernize dysfunction, the United States Congress announced Monday that all future debates will be conducted exclusively in iambic pentameter—a 16th-century poetic meter once used by Shakespeare, now apparently seen as a time-saving device in American governance.

“If thou must filibust, then make it rhyme, / Or waste not taxpayer’s hard-earned dime,” intoned House Speaker Jefferson McCormick (R–KY), who unveiled the initiative wearing a powdered wig and holding a leather-bound copy of Julius Caesar.

The announcement comes on the heels of yet another legislative stalemate, this time over the National Toothbrush Subsidy Act, which has inexplicably turned into a proxy war over fiscal responsibility, reproductive rights, and whether the Founding Fathers preferred spearmint.

“A Noble Gridlock, If Ever One Were Seen”

“We realized that if we’re going to get nothing done, we might as well do it beautifully,” said Senate Majority Leader Arlene Jasper (D–OR), who praised the plan’s potential to elevate the tone of debate and confuse the American public into a sense of progress.

Under the new rules, all bills must be introduced in rhyming couplets, amendments will be delivered via soliloquy, and rebuttals must include at least one tortured metaphor involving either a ship at sea or a crumbling republic.

“Frankly, it’s a relief,” said Senator Todd Blenheim (I–VT), whose previous efforts to stall legislation involved reading the entire Twilight saga into the Congressional Record. “Now I can just stand there and recite bad poetry, and it still counts as governing.”

Public Reaction: Mostly Confused, Mildly Entertained

Initial polling suggests 43% of Americans support the move, 38% think iambic pentameter is a cryptocurrency, and the remaining 19% just assumed Congress was already doing performance art.

Cable news outlets have embraced the change. CNN’s new prime-time show, Metered Majority, will feature dramatic reenactments of key exchanges, with commentators grading lawmakers on both rhetoric and emotional range. FOX News has countered with Bard or Bad?, a nightly segment where viewers vote on whether a speech qualifies as “patriotic poetry” or “leftist limerick.”

Meanwhile, over at the alphabet soup networks—ABC, CBS, NBC, and MSNBC—anchors donned their most furrowed brows and somber tones to solemnly report on the congressional rhyming decree, each pretending this wasn’t the most exciting thing to happen to their scripts since the invention of dramatic B-roll. Between breathless coverage of viral TikToks and recycled outrage panels, these outlets managed to frame the poetry mandate as both “historic” and “deeply troubling,” while quietly commissioning Broadway consultants to choreograph next week’s think pieces. MSNBC went so far as to bring in three former theater majors and a retired Shakespeare impersonator to discuss “the semiotics of statecraft,” while CBS broke in with Breaking News about rhyming couplets like the nation had just declared war on prose.

What Comes Next? Nobody Knows—But It Will Rhyme

Critics argue the change is yet another distraction from substantive policy work, but proponents insist that arguing in verse is still more productive than the current standard of yelling on cable news and retweeting each other’s outrage.

“To stall or not to stall—there lies the game, / When passing bills doth feel a bit too lame,” recited McCormick, presumably unaware he’d just paraphrased Hamlet’s indecision as national strategy.

Meanwhile, lobbyists are reportedly scrambling to hire MFA grads to help craft more “lyrical loopholes” in upcoming bills.

As for the American people, a new bipartisan chant seems to be gaining ground:

“If Congress be the play, let us endure, / And pray the next act offers a bit more cure.”

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Tammy Pondsmith reports on the U.S. Congress’s most cherished tradition: pretending to serve the public while auditioning for corporate board seats—and she does it all without throwing her laptop out a window.

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Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” As the name implies, Art107 News is Havok Journal’s satire wing, and you shouldn’t take anything published under this byline seriously. You should., however, mercilessly mock anyone who does.