Air Force Converts A-10s for Air Defense, Declares “There, Army, We Kept Your Stupid Airplane”

by Hugh Jashol, Article 107 News

FORT DISBELIEF, PENNSYLVANIA — In a masterclass of budgetary gymnastics and institutional obstinacy, the U.S. Air Force has officially repurposed its beloved A-10 Thunderbolt II fleet for air defense duties. And by “air defense,” they mean bolting the aircraft to the ground and vaguely pointing them skyward.

“It doesn’t really do anything,” said Lt. Col. Travis “Boltgun” McHale, standing proudly beneath a freshly mounted Warthog, now serving as a sort of titanium scarecrow. “We’ve been trying to ditch this ugly, slow-ass beast for a decade. But the Army keeps whining, ‘But… but… muh CAS,’ or whatever. And we’re not about to give up the funding. Congress said we had to keep the A-10s—they didn’t say how we had to use them.”

Enter the Air Force’s new Tactical Stationary Interceptor Program (TSIP), affectionately dubbed “Warthog Wall.” It features dozens of decommissioned A-10s welded to concrete pedestals across the continental U.S.—a monument to strategic compromise.

“We couldn’t kill it in Congress,” admitted an exasperated Air Force budget officer who spoke on condition of anonymity. “And hell no, we weren’t about to hand them over to the Army. That would have made too much sense—and cost us money better spent on real airplanes. So now we’re defending U.S. airspace with what are essentially armored lawn gnomes.”

Critics have labeled the initiative “mildly unhinged,” but defenders note each mounted A-10 still contains a fully operational GAU-8 Avenger cannon, jury-rigged to fire when triggered by a motion sensor.

When asked about the safety implications, Lt. Col. McHale shrugged. “We call it Area Denial with Honor.”

The Air Force even confirmed the system’s first “success” last Tuesday, when a particularly belligerent Canada goose triggered an A-10 installation outside Bismarck. “The threat was neutralized,” McHale reported. “There were feathers everywhere. Where are your tariffs now, Canada?”

Not to be outdone, the Army has begun strapping retired Apaches to railcars and rebranding them as “Mobile Artillery.” The Marine Corps reportedly attempted to repurpose a Harrier, but it fell over. No one has dared go near the accident-prone Ospreys.

And the A-10 pilots?

“Oh, they’re still flying,” McHale said. “Simulator missions. In VR. In the break room. Morale’s never been higher.”

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*Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical news site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. Hey, at least the Air Force thinks the A-10 is good for something.