Dismissed with Prejudice

It has taken almost two weeks for me to find these words. Words that should have taken me only minutes to find. The outcome was as expected, “Charges dismissed…” but what followed was the unexpected icing “… with prejudice.” Just like that, it was finally over. Years of wasted time as we faced charges that should have never been filed. Years we faced charges because of one sorry vindictive excuse of a human being. The outcome from the new district attorney was so expected, my wife wandered off to continue reading as I placed my phone on silent so I could finish my homework. 

When I finished, I expected to sit down and write the words which should have come so easily. The words that would encompass the weight lifted and excited anticipation of being a cop once again.  Before I sat down to write those words, I attended to the barrage of texts and calls of, mostly, immense joy. Within this barrage lay in wait a single nugget of exasperation. A single text so petty and passive-aggressive it was innocuous to the unknowing reader. It lay there, in the moment of greatest victory, and became everything I had feared. 

At the moment when the greatest stress was lifted, I found my chest begin to tighten with anger. How could one be so petty in a moment such as this? How could a fellow officer be so hellbent on unfounded disdain for another whom they do not even know? I tried so hard to quell the feeling of anger. I wanted so desperately to ignore my own experience and predictions. I wanted so desperately to be wrong. What I wanted quickly came crashing down but a few days later. I read the words and answered the phone calls not in shock it had occurred, but rather bewilderment as to how people live such lives of petty disdain. After all, I had expected it, but honestly, it was a shock just how quickly it had occurred.

It had only been days. I did not even have a plan on how I was coming back. The department did not even have a plan. While we did not have a plan, they did. They had lay in wait. They had been waiting long before the charges. The petty know no bounds, blinded by their unfounded pursuit. 

At the moment when it was all supposed to be lifted, the pressure was heavy upon my chest. Every movement reminded me of the anger and stress upon my body. My mind could not escape the maze as it sought to navigate the situation. My mind ran through every possible scenario for days. Day and night my mind sought some solution as I sat almost absent from the world around me. Day and night I fought my own ego. I wanted to confront those so petty. I wanted to look into their eyes and confront every unfounded petty action. I wanted to finally stare at them after all these years. I wanted to finally bring all they had done in the shadows to the light. 

Yet again, I found what I wanted was not obtainable. What I wanted was to confront them and force them to see the errs of their ways. And yet, I know the petty know no such thing. I knew that my every word would be twisted and manipulated in the shadows. I knew only hours, if not minutes, after such a meeting the calls would begin to trickle in. I knew that before I even had the opportunity to return, I would face yet another volley of rumors. I struggled with the immense stress and anger of it all. I struggled to understand a mindset I could never comprehend. I struggled and struggled until I found my peace. 

I found myself reflecting upon the teachings of the Stoics and Viktor Frankl. I knew the only peace was for me to silently drift away. I knew the only peace was for me to bestow the story upon a few confidants. I knew that if such a story was made public it would only create everything I wished to avoid. I knew I must bear the burden of yet another injustice. The world is not fair, all you can do is control how you react. 

 After almost two weeks, I sat and sorted. I blackened the rag with years of tarnished brass. The anger began to drift away and an inkling of the joy that should have been overwhelming weeks ago began to creep in. I would rather do something I hate with people I love than do something I love with people I hate. What lies before me is doing something I love with people I love. I will never forget the actions of the petty and what they took. But unlike the petty, I do not dwell. I will not dwell upon the vindictive or the petty. They have already taken too much.

I will not let them have any more. 

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Jake Smith is a law enforcement officer and former Army Ranger with four deployments to Afghanistan.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.