My eyes begin to shift faster than before. My head higher; my mind more consumed. My every action more deliberate. I find myself becoming what I should be, what I desire to be.
In the almost catatonic state of existence of the previous years, there seemed no reason to be. There seemed no reason to be everything I wanted to be, everything I knew I should be. Some part of me wonders if it was intentional. As if I wanted to be unaware in the hope of being startled. In the hope, I might feel just an inkling of adrenaline. In the hope that maybe my demeanor would invite someone to challenge me. In the hope I might seem weak, so I might awake from the mundane slumber.
I find myself becoming who it is I was. Who it is I want to be. Who I should have been. Who I should have never abandoned. I begin to see what such a mundane slumber has done to me. I see what it is I must do. I see the gaps and mistakes. For once in a long time, I see.
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Jake Smith is a law enforcement officer and former Army Ranger with four deployments to Afghanistan.
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