Things War Movies Made Me Think I’d Do in the Army

Based on watching war movies, these are some of the things I thought I’d be doing in the Army, but didn’t.

Peeling potatoes as a form of punishment.

Standing guard, in full dress uniform, along with another sharply dressed troop, in front of an important Army building, giving rifle salutes to generals and colonels.

Yelling things, “drill sergeant style,” to show how motivated I am: “SIR, THIS LIEUTENANT INTENDS TO CONDUCT A FLAWLESS PT TEST THIS MORNING, SIR!”

Doing a slow, deliberate salute to people of my own rank or less when I want to say to them, “I respect you, and we are Bros…”

Shooting explosive bullets at paper targets, shooting bullseyes when I want to prove a point or to “dis” a drill sergeant.

That the officers’ club was going to look like a fancy, five-star restaurant and the enlisted club like a combination of a Hamburger Hill-style whorehouse and the stoner’s bunker in Platoon, replete with Christmas lights, barbed wire, and sandbags.

That I could wear any type of headgear I wanted, whenever I wanted to wear it, regardless of uniform standards, like the dude in every Vietnam movie who is wearing a boonie hat when everyone else has on a helmet.

That combat would be continuous carnage, right up until my two-week “R&R” in Bangkok.

That, whilst in combat, I should have a set of Class A’s in my duffel bag to wear during the aforementioned R&R.

After coming back through the wire and reentering the FOB after a long mission, I would be greeted by a buddy with some cold beers, most likely stolen from Top’s supply.

That a hand grenade would explode like it was powered by nuclear fission, able to destroy entire buildings and aircraft carriers. Also, hand grenades would take about 10 seconds to cook off after I pulled the pin with my teeth.

That there would be a lot less talk on Army radios.

Pitching a lot of pup tents, dress right, dress, next to each other.

I’d spend a lot more time on the range.

That I’d spend a lot more time at drinking establishments, drinking in uniform.

There would be a lot more events involving Army marching bands.

Thirty-round magazines would last longer.

Machine guns could be fired on full auto forever without running out of ammo or the barrel melting down.

I’d be issued a mess kit to get “chow” slung into by a disgruntled Army cook with a cigarette dangling out of the corner of his mouth.

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Nick Perna is a police officer with the Redwood City Police Department in Northern California and a team leader on a multi-jurisdictional SWAT team. He has spent much of his law enforcement career as a gang and narcotics investigator, and he previously served as a U.S. Army paratrooper during Operation Iraqi Freedom. He holds a master’s degree from the University of San Francisco. For The Havok Journal, he writes from a law enforcement and veteran perspective, with a focus on policing, military culture, and public issues.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.