Bring On the Tough Torture Techniques — A Single Mom’s Perspective
As a single mom whose tiny terrorists exerted complete control over me, I have a few legal suggestions to drag secrets from the enemy. Unleash the special forces of preschoolers, or better yet, the special operators — teenagers. Let them terrorize the terrorists. Here are some tough torture techniques:
- Pipe nonstop whining, complaining and endless “Why?” questions into their cells.
- Let detainees attempt to de-escalate major temper flare-ups in the library thrown by angry occupier who refuses to liberate the book snatched from their sobbing, sniveling, inconsolable sibling.
- Charge prisoners with laundry duty. Their assignment? To wrench Superman pajamas off wiry, defiant Superboy and then distract naked, unrelenting conniption fitter for an hour or two, as jammies wash and dry.
- Force terrorists on multiple shopping trips with teeny tiny enemy combatants suffering from severe cases of the “grabbies” and “gimmes” and mentally deaf to the word “No.”
- Sleep deprive detainees by compelling them to skip meals to walk the floor marathon with colicky, projectile-vomiting babies or feverish, whimpering toddlers with nonstop diarrhea while rocking from side to side, up and down, and round and round, the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus . . .
- Put terrorists in charge of extracting car keys, iPhones and all-things screen from teens who habitually refuse to obey, sneak out in the middle of the night, or dishonor their curfews instigating severe adult sleep deprivation and melodramatic, teenage “it’s-not-fair” allergic reactions — major screaming mimi my-life-is-over, I-hate-you temper tantrums.
- Set up primal screaming rooms within ear-splitting distance of the terrorists’ cells. Sequester tantrum toddlers and hormonal, unreasonable, defiant teens in a room with open karaoke mics to air their screams, cries, rants, raves, curses, slams of doors, and kicks of everything in sight for hours on end.
- Assign prisoners the white-knuckled task of teaching advanced-driving skills to rookie teen-texting drivers with hair-trigger emotions, raging hormones and lead feet. When inebriated fast-driving teens sneak off in their suicide bomber car, give detainees an hour or less to figure out how to retrieve said vehicle, friends, and child in one piece.
- Force prisoners to play butt heads — the emotional up and down game of arguing without compromise for years on end with a wild, bi-polar, rebellious, foul-mouthed teen hanging out with questionable drug-pushing, rude friends wearing little or no clothing and carrying unregistered guns.
- Assign teens a daily quota of no less than 5000 texts, IMs, or calls to electronically stalk detainees at all hours of the day and night.
- Terrorize sleep-deprived terrorists by forcing them to care 24/7 for overactive toddlers and ADHD teens suffering from Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder — with no help or reprieve.
One escaped prisoner from a CIA prison in Afghanistan reported through a translator, “They would not let you rest, day or night. Stand up, sit down, stand up, sit down. Don’t sleep. Don’t lie on the floor.”
Whiner! Welcome to my life.
Obviously, this prisoner was not a solo parent. Luckily — he escaped.
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