Going Jack: An Australian Veteran’s Reflection on a Mate’s Suicide

A week later, early morning I had a dream (or nightmare, you can be the judge). I dreamt back to a time when I was having a conversation with him, back in Kapyong Lines, Holsworthy Barracks. On the first floor balcony, wearing DPCUs and our maroon berets, drinking brews, and wanting for the “Lid” who has been designated as canteen bitch to return with our “morno’s’’ orders.

I remembered the conversation; him talking about leaving the Army and his plans and hopes for the future. As this conversation went on, he began to change, his uniform transformed from DPCU to Dress Uniform. So did the conversation, He was talking about his wife and family, his mates and close friends, his service, and the deployments.

Then he changed. He became gray, his skin and uniform took a gray hue. Then he said “My Wife! The Kids! My Mates! The Regiment! My Life! What can I do?” Then he was looking over to his wife and four children who were weeping as they were walking away from the scene.

Then I exploded, yelling into his face “Well fuck all good you can do them now you fucking stupid Jack Cunt! What the fuck were you thinking? Look at your Family!”

His face turned to shock, anguish, and disbelief, his eyes looking around me. His eyes were looking at his mates and friends who had served with him over the years. Some wearing Greens, or DPCUs or Multicam, appeared alongside me, all of them yelling and pointing at him. “You can’t undo this,” or “I’m your best mate, why didn’t you ask”

“What the fuck? I thought we were mates?” “What about your wife and kids?” What about us? You fucking Jack cunt!”

“Shit… What have I done?’’ He said as he stepped back away from us, with an anguished look at us as the yelling from us became louder and louder.

Then I woke up.

I faced the day with a dark mood and I carried that dark bitter mood for a few days. I managed to conceal it well from family, friends, and colleagues. This Soldier was a mate, the sort of mate that service in the military forges into friendships that really last a lifetime. Despite the efforts of the politically correct elites in Australia (thank you General David Morrison) doing their very best to destroy the concept of mates and mateship, it is still very much alive.

He and I had formed a bond that had lasted time, that we were mates. Now I can count on my hand the number of times I had seen him since I have left the Army. It was usually on ANZAC Day, handshake, and catch-up over a schooner of the black or brown stuff.

Now if his suicide had elicited such a strong reaction from me, what was it eliciting from those who were closer to him?

He took his life; he went, Jack! He went Jack on his Family. He went Jack on his Mates!
And he went Jack on himself.

He didn’t end his pain; he just went to Jack and dumped all his pain onto his mates and his family without telling them why. They are now left with the pain of the loss, and endless doubts of if they had somehow missed something or how they could have helped you.

So if anyone is reading this, and you feel the pain is too much. Don’t be Jack, and remember those you will leave behind and the pain YOU will cause them.

_____

Glossary of terms:

•Jack: An Australian slang term used given to an individual who is selfish and not helping out his mates with tasks. If an individual is not helping his mates it is said he is “going jack on his mates.” 
The word Jack is frequently combined with the term Cunt or Fuck to more deeply illustrate the individual’s Jackness as well as for added insult. Thus if a mate is being exceedingly Jack he is being called a “Jack Cunt” or “Jack Fuck.”

• 3 RAR (Para): 3rd Battalion Royal Australian Regiment. From 1983 to 2011 was the Parachute Infantry Battalion of the Australian Army.

• 4 RAR (Cdo): 4th Battalion Royal Australian Regiment. Was an infantry battalion that converted to the Special Forces role in 1997. In 2009 it was renamed the 2nd Commando Regiment.

• RSL Club: Returned Services League (of Australia) Club. A veteran’s welfare organization with clubhouses throughout Australia. These clubhouses normally have bars, dining, and gambling facilities.

• DPCU: Disruptive Pattern Camouflage Uniform. A five-colour camouflage pattern uniform used by the Australian Defence Force since 1988. Being phased out and replaced with MultiCam Uniforms.

• Lid: New soldier posted to the unit from the School of Infantry. Usually given the shit jobs, until the next group of Lid’s are posted into the unit.

• Morno’s: Morning Tea.

• Greens: Jungle Green Uniform: The battledress used by the Australian Army since the mid-1950s. Replaced by DPCU’s in the late ’80s.

• Digger: A military slang term for soldiers from Australia and New Zealand.

• Schooner: 450 ml (15 oz) Beer glass.

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