SecWar Announces New “Government Shutdown Ribbon” for Troops

by Hugh Jashol, for Article 107 News*

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking move sure to make every service member’s chest a little heavier (with cloth, not pride), the Department of Defense War has officially announced the creation of the Government Shutdown Service Ribbon (GSSR).

The ribbon, which features a tasteful mix of red tape, gray bureaucracy, and green for “DoD still getting paid,” will be awarded to all military members who “courageously endured” the most recent government shutdown without once asking their supervisor what day payday actually is.

“This ribbon recognizes the unique hardship of showing up to work every day while Congress plays fiscal chicken,” said one Pentagon spokesperson. “It’s basically like a combat patch, except the enemy is indecision and the battlefield is your LES.”

Criteria for Award

According to official guidance (written hastily on a cocktail napkin by a GS-13 at the bar outside the Pentagon Metro stop):

• Must have been on active duty for at least one hour during a shutdown.
• Must have posted at least one sarcastic meme about pay delays to your unit’s group chat.
• Bonus device authorized if you managed to explain to your spouse, without crying, why you’re still going to work while the National Park Service is closed.

Devices and Upgrades

• Bronze “Debt Ceiling” Oak Leaf Cluster for surviving multiple shutdowns without buying scratch-off tickets to cover rent.
• Silver “Continuing Resolution” Star if you’ve lost track of how many times this has happened during your enlistment.
• “Furlough V” Device available for DoD civilians who heroically sat at home in sweatpants for two weeks while service members still went to PT at 0530.

Reactions from the Ranks

Some troops are thrilled. “Finally, recognition for my ability to complain about DFAS like it’s a personal hobby,” said Specialist Torres, already rearranging his rack to fit the new ribbon above the Army Service Ribbon.

Others were less impressed. “Great, another participation award,” grumbled a salty Staff Sergeant. “Call me when there’s a ribbon for ‘Actually Did Paperwork Without Screwing It Up.’”

Future Plans

The Army has already confirmed the ribbon will be added to the uniform regulation appendix sometime in the next decade, once 47 separate committees have reviewed the color scheme and debated whether “shutdown” should be capitalized.

Meanwhile, the Marine Corps announced it will simply authorize Marines to draw the ribbon on their chest in crayon.

---

*Article 107 News: The Facts, Before They Happen
Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” As the name implies, Art107 News is Havok Journal’s satire wing, and you shouldn’t take anything published under this byline seriously. You should., however, mercilessly mock anyone who does.