The Problem with Extreme “P” and Why Blaming PTSD is a Disservice to Veterans

This morning was an extra shitty morning. I couldn’t stand up because of my spinal cord injuries and my leg wouldn’t snap on because the nubby was swollen. 

To say that I was hurting this morning would be an egregious understatement and most people would assume I would just say “fuck this” and take the day off.

The problem is: when you have extreme “P “(pain), the worst place for you is a bed or taking the day off.  At that point, Einstein’s simplified formula of time relativity kicks in. Ten seconds of staring at a beautiful woman goes by in a flash, but ten seconds with your hand on the stove burner feels like forever. 

The dangers of a sedentary life are well known but the danger for catastrophically injured people is exponentially higher. 

Due to the way that I manage my insane levels of “P,“ training through pain and misery, I’ve been denied disability benefits, military or civilian. I’ve been denied even though I would have blown my brains out a long time ago if I didn’t use the techniques that I’ve come up with to manage my health and wellness. 

I know a lot of people freak out when they hear people talking about “blowing their brains out” but let’s be fucking honest. Those of us who live these lives know that suicide is a real issue and the pink elephant trying to hide in the open. And “No,” I’m not talking about PTSD.  

I’m friends with a plethora of catastrophically injured humans. You can be the happiest, most positive person on the planet. But the reality is that this life is hard, and it never will not be. Suicide in our world is NOT a result of PTSD; it’s from sheer exhaustion of the struggle, sheer exhaustion of getting dicked around, the helplessness of knowing that no one is coming to your aid and you gotta fight just to get care to stay alive.  

The truth is suicide is much easier than living a life being catastrophically injured…that’s my reality, whether it makes you uncomfortable or not. I’m working with a civilian who’s been having spinal issues for a month. He’s 65 and already talking about suicide after a month of the spinal pain I live with.    

Glossing over this reality doesn’t help anyone, except the poor souls who want to believe that catastrophically injured and wounded veterans are taken care of. We are not. Dancing and tiptoeing around the subject and blaming PTSD has been a disservice to our veterans. 

You have someone with years of medical care ahead of them from catastrophic injuries, then you throw them into financial distress, give them inadequate healthcare, make them search, beg and plead for care. What do you get?  A high level of suicide because the VA and military medicine fosters helplessness instead of hope. 

In the meantime, Generals and Admirals are giving themselves 100% of their pay while making 6 and 7 figure post-retirement incomes. That’s why, even if you are retired with 100% combat related injuries, you have to use the VA because your retiree medical no longer covers combat or service-related injuries. This is shocking to every civilian who hears this.

In general, it’s better for us enlisted personnel to die. Why? It saves the VA and Pentagon money by ignoring us or enacting hurdle after hurdle for care. That’s when the suicide comes for you. It comes for you when you’re still getting dicked around and lose all hope. Then they blame “PTSD” when it is actually the government and military doing this to our catastrophically wounded and injured. 

So, to live a fulfilled life when you’re catastrophically injured you need to be hard, you need to be self-reliant, and you have to have a mindset that prioritizes the positive over everything else. Because that is what drives hope. And if you lose hope, that’s when you lose your life. 

I’ve had a lot of friends and colleagues commit suicide. It’s never been about PTSD; it’s always been about “The Struggle.” That struggle is real, and daily.  But don’t say “suicide” in the military, VA or mental health system. People freak out. I’m in multiple national medical studies and in my post-op survey last month, apparently, I was too honest about my pain and the daily struggle.

I said: ”I’m fine, just trying to keep my mind straight so I don’t blow my brains out from my spinal pain.” 

Holy hell! My phone starts blowing up and I have shrinks freaking out. The fact is: I have yet to meet anyone or any organization who is dealing with this problem properly. The only people I can honestly speak about these things too, are fellow catastrophically injured people. 

It’s a sad statement that the catastrophically injured have to hide the truth so as to spare the feelings and emotions of healthcare workers. Poor them, having to hear what their catastrophically injured patients are feeling or dealing with. 

If you want to help disabled veterans, especially the catastrophically injured and wounded, have an honest judgement-free dialogue. Until we do that, more of us will “blow our brains out” because of a system that is run by clueless “professionals” who want to pretend they know what they will never know. More of us will “blow our brains out” because we are guilted or made fearful of being honest in a system that vilifies any sign of mental weakness. 

Fact: You can’t read a book, read studies or have an iota of understand of what “We,” the catastrophically injured manage daily if you haven’t lived this life. So, if you want to fix this system, if you want to save disabled veterans lives, quit thinking the answers exist outside our community, they do not! 

I should’ve died thirty years ago. I should’ve died many times since. My doctors don’t know how I’m alive let alone living an active healthy life. You know who does know what it takes to survive three decades of hell? ME! You want to learn how to live a full life with catastrophic injuries, nightmarish pain and missing body part? Ask me, don’t’ ask your doctor. Your doctor won’t believe I exist. I know this because every new doctor I meet asks me: “How are you alive and doing these things?”

I tell them, “When you value living more than you fear pain, you can live life without limits.” 

But we are taught to be quiet professionals and “suck it up.” Even when its detrimental to our health.  Then we are told to reach out when we need help or are struggling, and the next thing you know doctors are talking about reporting you when all you need is someone you can be honest with. 

You want to save military lives? Start talking about suicide for what it is. It is the dirty little secret all of us catastrophically injured and wounded who struggle with and have to actively address to maintain our mental health. Pretending it isn’t a problem helps no one. Pretending its PTSD when it’s the struggle that is purposefully put on us, is pushing veterans to the easier solution. But I get it, General Officers need that money, so the catastrophically injured and wounded will just have to continue to struggle; and “blow their brains out.”    

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This first appeared in The Havok Journal on October 30, 2024.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.