by Hugh Jashol, Article 107 News*
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has left architects, astronomers, and rebel sympathizers equally baffled, construction crews at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue are putting the final touches on what officials are calling “a modest addition to the East Wing.”
The addition—officially listed in federal filings as the “Diplomatic Events And Tactical Hospitality Strategic Theater And Receptionhall has drawn comparisons to a certain… facility from the Star Wars movie series.
Administration spokespeople insist the new structure is “purely ceremonial” and “definitely not capable of planetary destruction,” though witnesses report seeing contractors installing what appear to be giant turbo-laser ports above the Rose Garden.
“It’s a Ballroom, Not a Battle Station,” Says White House
According to press secretary Kayleigh Orbison, the $250 million project will provide a “world-class venue for diplomacy, fundraisers, and potentially galactic peace summits.”
“This is about creating a space where America can dance, dine, and dominate,” Orbison told reporters. “Any resemblance to an orbital superweapon is purely coincidental—and frankly, flattering.”
Asked whether the structure had a working tractor beam, Orbison replied, “Only if you count our economic policy.”
Critics Sound the Alarm — or the Klaxon
Opponents have been quick to raise concerns over the design’s militaristic appearance. “This thing has a thermal exhaust port the size of a Metro stop,” said one congressional aide. “We’re just hoping the interns don’t find the plans labeled ‘Phase 2.’”
Environmentalists are also worried about the project’s impact on local ecosystems. “I have a bad feeling about this. A moon-sized metal sphere in the middle of D.C. doesn’t exactly scream sustainability,” said one activist. “Unless it’s powered by the dark side, in which case… fair.”
Meanwhile, a member of a team of engineers reportedly working on the project was overheard whispering, “Now witness the firepower of this fully operational ballroom.”
When reached for comment, one senior advisor clarified: “It’s not a weapon, it’s a wedding venue. A really, really powerful wedding venue. It’s definitely not a trap.”
Still, satellite imagery shows unusual energy emissions around the site, and one intern—who asked to remain anonymous—claimed to have overheard an engineer muttering, ‘Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational ballroom.’
As Washington braces for the grand opening, many Americans remain divided. Some see it as a symbol of American greatness reborn. Others just hope it comes with a retractable roof for when the lasers misfire.
The Empire Strikes Budget
At $250 million, the East Wing Orbital Event Module is one of the costliest White House expansions in history. Insiders say the project was originally proposed as a modest conservatory—until someone added the words “and laser array” to the blueprints.
“It’s all about prestige,” said one anonymous contractor. “You can’t host a state dinner in the Lincoln Bedroom forever. Sometimes you need a venue that can be seen from orbit.”
When asked about future plans, the President reportedly said, “We’re gonna finish it ahead of schedule, under budget, and maybe use it to host the next ‘Dancing with the Czars.’”
Rebels Remain on High Alert
Local air-traffic controllers have been instructed to avoid flying too close to the dome, citing “temporary atmospheric disturbances and unconfirmed tractor beams.”
In related news, the Secret Service has been re-designated as Stormtrooper Protective Services, though insiders assure the public their aim remains “consistently inaccurate.”
*Article 107 News: The Facts, Before They Happen
Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” As the name implies, Art107 News is Havok Journal’s satire wing, and you shouldn’t take anything published under this byline seriously. You should., however, mercilessly mock anyone who does.
Article 107 News cannot confirm whether the new East Wing addition is capable of vaporizing Alderaan, but we can confirm that the catering menu includes blue milk and Wookiee cookies.
If you hear a faint hum coming from the National Mall this weekend, don’t worry. It’s probably just the power generator charging for the inaugural gala. Probably.
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