by Hugh Jashol
LOS ANGELES, CA — June 14, 2025
In a move blending historical nostalgia with contemporary controversy, former President Donald J. Trump has ceremonially re-authorized the Mexican Campaign Medal, originally awarded for the 1914 Veracruz expedition, to now include a new “ICEbreaker” clasp. This addition honors military personnel involved in the recent federal response to the 2025 Los Angeles anti-ICE riots mostly-peaceful protests.
“Back in 1914, we showed Mexico who’s boss. In 1992, we did it again in LA. Now, in 2025, we’re bringing it full circle,” Trump declared during a press event at Camp Pendleton, flanked by Marines and National Guard troops. “This medal celebrates our troops who bravely defended federal buildings from skateboard-wielding anarchists and abuela chancla-tossers.”
🥇 Medal Details
Name: Mexican Campaign Medal – ICEbreaker Clasp
Ribbon Colors:
- Veracruz Crimson – Honoring the original 1914 campaign.
- Smog Gray – Representing Los Angeles’ air quality during the protests.
- Surplus Olive – Symbolizing National Guard uniforms.
- Hot Sauce Red, White, and Green – Reflecting the cultural fusion of the city.
- Television Blue – Denoting the media coverage of the events.
Central Device: A bronze depiction of a riot shield crossed with a taco, symbolizing the fusion of defense and culture.
Clasp Inscription: “ICEbreaker – LA 2025”
📜 Citation Language
Awarded to service members (but not Marines, you guys ain’t gettin’ shit) who participated in the federal response to the 2025 Los Angeles anti-ICE protests, demonstrating exceptional valor in urban operations, crowd control, and the defense of federal properties against hostile tofu projectiles.
🧩 Optional Attachment Devices
- “Goggles of Glory” Oak Leaf Cluster – For those who wore protective gear against pepper spray and tear gas.
- “Molotov Marshmallow” Service Star – For encounters involving improvised incendiary devices.
- “Freeway Blockade” Chevron – Denoting participation in clearing major highways during the protests.
The Marines will receive their awards the same way the get everything else: handed down by the Army once it has become obsolete.
Coming Soon: The “Battle of Portland” Ribbon
Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” As our name implies, this article is satire and should be treated as such. Another medal does sound pretty dope, though…
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