The Army’s Latest High-Speed Drone Killer is a Bird of Prey, Not a Billion-Dollar Program

by Brad Chillier

(Courtesy of our friends at Article 107 News*)

The U.S. Army has unveiled its latest innovation in counter-drone warfare, a system designed to neutralize enemy First-Person View (FPV) drones without relying on costly technology that barely works. With FPV drones proving their lethal effectiveness in conflicts like Russia-Ukraine, Pentagon officials have scrambled for viable countermeasures. Jamming devices? Spotty at best. Massed cannon fire? Too expensive. Scatter munitions? Unreliable.

So, after burning through untold millions on hardware that can’t seem to outsmart a remote-controlled quadcopter, the Army is turning to something older, faster, and far more efficient: birds of prey. Enter the Peregrine Falcon Anti-Drone Recoverable Tactical System, or, as Army planners insist on calling it, F.A.R.T.S.

The peregrine falcon is the fastest creature on Earth, capable of diving at speeds exceeding 200 mph—more than enough to outmaneuver and obliterate an FPV drone. At a recent demonstration at Aberdeen Proving Ground, two trained falcons were released against ten FPV drones. Within minutes, the raptors shredded their targets midair, smashing them against rocks and trees before gracefully returning to their handlers for a well-earned sliver of meat.

“The use of raptors in both hunting and warfare is as old as combat itself,” said Major Chip Munk, a spokesperson for Aberdeen Proving Ground. The Army’s Chief of Staff was reportedly so impressed by the demonstration that he immediately approved funding for a specialized training center and ordered F.A.R.T.S. deployment down to the platoon level.

In support of this initiative, the Army has also introduced a new Military Occupational Specialty: 13F—F.A.R.T.S. Handler. The first class of trainees is set to begin next month at Fort Bragg, where they will learn the fine art of commanding these feathered missile interceptors.

Not to be outdone, the U.S. Navy has begun its own avian warfare program, this time targeting underwater threats. Their Diving Anti-drone Recoverable Tactical Systems, or D.A.R.T.S., will rely on highly trained penguins to neutralize enemy submersible drones. Details remain classified, but leaked reports suggest early tests have involved fitting the birds with tiny depth charges.

If these programs prove successful, defense analysts predict that by 2030, the Department of Defense will have fully abandoned modern weapons development in favor of simply hiring nature to do its dirty work.

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*Article 107 News: The Facts, Before They Happen
Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” As the name implies, Art107 News is Havok Journal’s satire wing, and you shouldn’t take anything published under this byline seriously. You should., however, mercilessly mock anyone who does.