“Pepper Spraying Frogs in the Ass” Now Added to Police Academy Training

by Hugh Jashol for Article 107 News*

PORTLAND, OR — In a shocking yet somehow unsurprising development, law enforcement academies nationwide have reportedly added a new skillset to their training manuals: “Strategic Amphibian Ventilation Control” — or, as recruits are already calling it, “pepper spraying riotous frogs in the ass.”

The move comes after a viral incident in Portland where an ICE agent was caught on video pepper-spraying the valve of a protester dressed in a giant inflatable frog costume. The frog, later identified on TikTok as The Antifascist Frog, took to social media to croak about the injustice, writing: “Imagine pepper-spraying a f-ing frog. Crazy work. F* ICE.*

However, the “hit ’em in the poop chute” tactic was so effective, and so… funny, that police academies across the nation have been formally incorporating it into their training.

A New Tactical Module

Academy spokesperson Lt. Jim “Don’t Call Me Kermit” Henson confirmed the addition.

“Look, inflatable amphibians pose a unique tactical challenge,” he explained. “If you let them hop around unchecked, morale drops, visibility is compromised, and before you know it, you’re knee-deep in a swamp of dissent. So yes, we train our officers to go straight for the air vent — the most vulnerable point in the frog’s defenses.”

Recruits are now required to complete FROGCON Level I, which includes:

• Proper nozzle-to-vent alignment techniques.
• Frog costume deflation speed drills.
• A final exam known as the Toad Loadout Practical, where cadets must neutralize three inflatable frogs before lunch.

The Frog Community Responds

Outraged amphibian activists staged a protest outside the academy, chanting slogans such as “Our vents, our choice!” and “Hands off my frog hole!”

The Antifascist Frog himself has threatened to escalate tactics:

“Next time, I’m showing up as an inflatable newt. Let’s see them handle that.”

Officials Try to Keep a Straight Face

When pressed for comment, one officer admitted the awkwardness of the training scenario:

“Nothing prepares you for explaining to your family that your job is to pepper-spray a frog’s butthole. But hey, it’s the job.”

Looking Ahead

Experts predict this policy will inevitably expand. Given the number of furries, cosplay junkies and other assorted weirdos in the Antifa ranks, the training may even need to expand. Rumors suggest Phase II may involve “porcupine deterrent simulations” and “giant raccoon costume neutralization.”

Until then, one thing is certain: If you see a frog costume at a protest, its vent has already been marked for “ventilation operations.”

Article 107 News: Because Reality is Already a Joke.

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*Article 107 News: The Facts, Before They Happen
Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” As the name implies, Art107 News is Havok Journal’s satire wing, and you shouldn’t take anything published under this byline seriously. You should., however, mercilessly mock anyone who does.