Operation FLOATIES to Address Navy Fighter Mishaps

by Hugh Jashol, Article 107 News*

On Location at the USS Harry S. Truman – Somewhere Near Where $67 Million Went to Die (Again)

In a stunning and absolutely not-panicked response to losing yet another F/A-18 Super Hornet off the deck of the USS Harry S. Truman, the U.S. Navy has officially unveiled its boldest countermeasure yet: inflatable arm floaties for fighter jets.

Dubbed “Operation BUBBLEWRAP,” the new system—revealed in a hastily staged photo op—shows a Super Hornet adorned with vivid orange inflatable devices designed to “increase water buoyancy and self-esteem.”

“This is the future of naval aviation,” said Rear Adm. Chad “Dadbod” McPaddle at a press conference conducted entirely on jet skis. “These inflatable floaties are crafted from the same material as your nephew’s Dollar Store pool gear, but reinforced with the tears of Pentagon accountants.”

A Solution Born of Desperation

The initiative follows the Navy’s recent public embarrassment when a Super Hornet, valued at a modest $67.4 million (roughly the cost of six Taylor Swift tours), plunged off the Truman’s deck last year after what officials called “an unexpected act of gravity.”

When asked why the loss wasn’t prevented, a naval spokesperson replied, “Frankly, we thought the ocean would return it. That’s usually how buoyancy works.”

High-Tech Meets High-School Swim Class

The floatation technology, internally classified as FLoating Operational Adaptive Tethered Inflatable Ejectable System (FLOATIES), deploys automatically whenever an aircraft senses it’s about to embarrass the Department of Defense.

A Navy engineer explained, “If the jet falls off the boat, the floaties pop out like airbags at a pool party. They’re bright orange so we can spot them from space, or at least from the admiral’s GoPro.”

Unfortunately, critics have pointed out that while the floaties prevent sinking, they do nothing to stop jets from falling off in the first place.

“Yeah, but at least this time we can fish it out without calling James Cameron,” said Seaman Apprentice Kyle O’Donnell while poking a test model with a spork.

Mixed Reactions Across the Fleet

Reaction among sailors has been divided. Some have praised the initiative for its creativity, while others, notably F-35 pilots, are furious they weren’t invited to the “floatie club.”

“Why do they get safety wings and we don’t?” grumbled one anonymous pilot while trying to duct-tape pool noodles to his landing gear.

Meanwhile, the Air Force has reportedly submitted a counterproposal involving bubble wrap, parachutes, and “just not flying near the ocean, bro.”

Looking Ahead

The Navy insists this is only the beginning of a new era in tactical aviation safety. Rumors suggest the next phase will include jet ski-shaped recovery drones and “emotional support otters” for traumatized aircraft.

As for the USS Harry S. Truman, sources say the carrier will be rebranded as a “non-slip surface operations platform” and all future launches will be accompanied by lifeguards with whistles.

When pressed for comment on whether this was a publicity stunt, Adm. McPaddle replied, “Only if it floats.”

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*Article 107 News: The Facts, Before They Happen
Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” As the name implies, Art107 News is Havok Journal’s satire wing, and you shouldn’t take anything published under this byline seriously. You should., however, mercilessly mock anyone who does.

You didn’t think an article written by a guy calling himself “Hugh Jashol” was real, did you?