Gitmo Goes South: U.S. Hands Off Detention Center to El Salvador

by Brad Chillier

(Courtesy of our friends at Article 107 News*)

The United States and El Salvador have finalized a tentative agreement on the future of the Guantanamo Bay detention center. Under the deal, El Salvador will take over management of the facility at the U.S. Naval Base in Cuba, with Washington footing the bill.

Citing El Salvador’s recent “success” with its sprawling “Center for Terrorism Confinement”—a mega-prison renowned for its no-frills brutality—the White House framed the move as part of its ongoing government efficiency initiatives. “They run great prisons, tremendous prisons, really tough, really effective,” a White House statement declared, striking a tone eerily reminiscent of a real estate pitch.

“By handing off Guantanamo’s operations to El Salvador, the U.S. can cut costs and sidestep certain, shall we say, inconvenient legal entanglements regarding indefinite detentions and deportations,” explained an anonymous administration official, who then quickly declined further questions.

El Salvador’s ambassador to the U.S., Javier Beatum, confirmed his government’s enthusiastic participation, touting the deal as “a humanitarian favor to a nation clearly overwhelmed by its own rampant criminal element.” A spokesperson for President Nayib Bukele was even more blunt: “We will make them wish they were back in a U.S. prison.”

As for the fate of current Guantanamo detainees, the Bukele administration has already signaled changes to their accommodations. “Orange jumpsuits? No. From now on, they get white boxer shorts. That’s all they’ll need,” the spokesperson quipped.

The official handover of Guantanamo to El Salvador is expected later this year. Whether the move signals a bold new era of international cooperation or just a creative outsourcing of America’s moral quandaries remains to be seen.

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*Article 107 News: The Facts, Before They Happen
Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” As the name implies, Art107 News is Havok Journal’s satire wing, and you shouldn’t take anything published under this byline seriously. You should., however, mercilessly mock anyone who does.