Blue Origin Redefines ‘Astronaut’: Now You Too Can Spacewalk… for 3 Minutes

by Tammy Pondsmith
Senior Space Tourism Critic and Professional Eye-Roller

Move over, NASA — there’s a new standard for becoming an astronaut: pay, pose, parachute.

Thanks to Jeff Bezos’ latest PR masterstroke, a handful of women now join the hallowed ranks of space explorers after a journey barely longer than a bathroom break. No grueling training, no orbits, no actual risk — just a quick pop above the Kármán Line and a soft plop back into the desert… plus a shiny “astronaut” badge for their troubles.

It’s historic, we’re told — just don’t ask what history they’re making. The only zero-G challenge faced was keeping their hair camera-ready for the live stream. Sally Ride must be rolling — not in zero gravity, but in her grave.

In the Bezos Era, it seems reaching for the stars takes less courage and more hashtags. Congratulations, ladies: you’ve boldly gone where hundreds of frequent flyers have gone before — economy class, but make it space adjacent.

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Tammy Pondsmith spends her days chronicling humanity’s most overpriced adventures and her sights wondering how we made it to the moon but can’t seem to survive a trip to the comments section.

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