Basic Decency for the Profession of Arms

In light of Secretary of War Hegseth’s recent meeting with the nation’s flag officers, here are a few basic courtesy rules the military should consider implementing.

Latrine Etiquette:
When using an open-bay latrine with multiple toilets and no partitions, servicemen will sit when they have to pee if another soldier is using an adjacent toilet. This will help prevent one service member’s “Member” from making an unscheduled appearance near another’s face.

Sensitive Item Protocol:
If you locate a sensitive item in a porta potty, you are required to actively search for its owner for at least fifteen minutes before notifying your chain of command.

Field Hygiene:
If you drop a deuce in the field, grab your E-tool and bury your landmine.

Field Superstitions:
While in the field, don’t say “it looks like rain.” And absolutely no rain turtles. You know what you did.

Camouflage Discipline:
Anytime troops wear camo face paint, PT belts are strictly forbidden. We’re fighting wars, not hosting a glow run.

Weapons Turn-In:
Armorers may reject a weapon only once during turn-in if an E-6 or above has deemed it clean. Any additional rejections will require notarized justification and possibly a wellness check.

After-Hours Compensation:
Anytime troops are kept past 1700 (other than field problems), they shall receive overtime pay, and the command staff will be billed fifty cents per minute to cover it.

Collective Punishment Reform:
If a single troop causes the unit to stay late due to losing a sensitive item, asking a stupid question, or any other preventable reason, that troop will pull all affected soldiers’ staff duty for one week.

MRE Justice:
If you’re responsible for issuing MREs, you don’t get to ratf*** the box for your favorite meals, leaving the culinary atrocities for everyone else. Violators will subsist exclusively on Veggie Omelet and Country Captain Chicken for one fiscal year.

Flight Suit Rules:
Flight suits will only be worn by personnel who actually pilot aircraft. If your job doesn’t involve an aviator’s helmet, you don’t get the outfit. Drone pilots who attempt the flight suit/helmet combo will spend their Saturdays painting rocks.

Warrant Officer Freedoms:

• WO1: May have hands in pockets.
• CW2: Exempt from PT.
• CW3: No longer required to salute.
• CW4: May refer to any rank as “man” or “dude.”
• CW5: Authorized to work from home.

Environmental Initiative:
The Department of War will henceforth purchase ammunition with biodegradable casings, eliminating the need for police calls at the end of range days. Any remaining trash will be collected by Range Control personnel, who probably deserve it.

For Paratroopers:
When flying commercial, resist telling your seatmate that you “usually jump out of planes.” No one cares, and it’s probably not true.

For Marines:
When taking a drawing class, do not steal the Crayola 64-pack from the sailor next to you and force him to take your 16-pack. Hunger is not a moral exemption from theft.

For the Air Force:
When dining, please remember to use the smallest utensil first for your first course. Also, please stop calling the dining facility a “bistro.”

With these modest reforms, the armed forces might finally achieve that elusive balance between tradition and basic sanity. Troops could spend less time polishing things that don’t need polishing, more time pretending to follow PowerPoint slides, and maybe even start believing leadership knows what it’s doing. It wouldn’t fix everything—but it’d be a promising start toward a slightly less ridiculous version of readiness.

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*Article 107 News: The Facts, Before They Happen
Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” As the name implies, Art107 News is Havok Journal’s satire wing, and you shouldn’t take anything published under this byline seriously. You should., however, mercilessly mock anyone who does.