The peaceful silence broken by the swaying branches and warm breeze. The sun gently warms the skin as I look out upon the world. In such a silence the mind wanders. In such silence the mind wonders.
As I sit, I ponder who it is I am. How it is I got here. Who it is I want to become. I sit and wonder why such silence brings such calming discomfort. Why such feelings of relaxation bring a twinge of guilt. Why my brain seeks to make chaos in such silence.
In these moments of silence, I reflect upon the life lived. I reflect upon how so few around could understand my journey. I am thankful they do not; yet frustrated with such a disconnect. I wish they knew why my every action and word is so direct. Why it is I am so passionate. Why I wish to always reflect upon every past word and every past action.
I do it because I have lived the consequences. I have lived through abuse and neglect. I have lived through war, and the trials, tribulations, and loss it brings. I have lived when so many did not, when I should not have. I have lived through seemingly endless wandering, where I almost lost myself.
Every moment of silence is conflicted. These moments were once moments of wondering reflection, but they become tormented wandering. These moments of silence remind me of where it is I thrive, in chaos. It reminds me how long I lived in silence and stagnation, longing for the chaos. The prolonged wandering tainted the once peaceful wondering.
The moments of silence seemed endless. Now I must sit and force the wondering reflection. I must force myself to find the peace. Moment after moment, I begin to find the things that were lost. Moment by moment I begin to find myself.
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Jake Smith is a law enforcement officer and former Army Ranger with four deployments to Afghanistan.
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