Where the Uniform Ends I Begin

The uncertainty leaves me perplexed. The world passes me by as I wonder if these are my last moments. Is today the last day I don this uniform? Are these my final moments among my partners—my friends?

The uncertainty has left me almost silent. I anxiously await the final notice. I’ve been torn between silence and duty, protecting the open secret. Each passing moment has led me here—to this moment—when I wonder if today is my last. I wonder anxiously as they ask if I plan on moving, promoting, or where I might go. Bound to the open secret, I answer without answering.

The uncertainty leaves me wondering—how do I say goodbye when I am already gone? How do I thank those who have forever shaped me? I would love nothing more than to disappear into obscurity, but doing so would be disingenuous. It would tarnish those cherished relationships—the friendships of hardship, the friendships forever etched into my memories. How do I fade quietly away when I owe them the most obvious praise and affection?

Could it really be the end? Could I honestly let that day be my final moment? Could I risk it all to don that uniform for just one last day? Could I really not? Could I truly allow that day to be the culmination? Would I not grant myself one last day of certainty—one last chance to let them all know how much it has mattered?

My heart yearns for one last shift—one last night surrounded by my partners, my friends. My heart longs for that which my brain knows will never come to fruition. My brain knows it is over—that night was my last. In a fit of late-night clarity, I stripped my car of its effectiveness, my mind ensuring the heart would not override reality. The heart would never don those patches without being prepared.

My heart yearns for what will never happen. It is over—and I begin anew.

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Jake Smith is a law enforcement officer and former Army Ranger with four deployments to Afghanistan.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.