Saving Myself Through Saving Others

She stood there, confused, laughing. She held her bunny tight as she rubbed its ear, telling me she made sure bunny would not have to hear it. She rubbed bunny’s ears with such vigor. She protected bunny in her moment of pure helplessness. She awkwardly laughed in a way that only the experienced could. In a way only perpetual exposure to such violence and helplessness could produce.

The pristine home and nice neighborhood betraying the violence and fear of those moments. The stark reminder that facades can often hide dark realities. The long dark sheath out of place on such a clean table. The machete hidden only an arm’s length from the door, a reminder of how close violence begot violence. 

The bravado from behind the cage all too familiar. A “man” seeking to restore an inkling of control.  Every spoken word meaningless. The moment passed. The machete hidden. Every “I would have” a hollow declaration in the face of the reality. 

As that six-year-old stood there rubbing the ear of bunny, awkwardly laughing with undeserving experience, her father in handcuffs, her mother recounting the fear and violence, I saw myself. I saw a young child with nothing else left but laughter. A child living in violence, behind a façade, with only apathy left. I saw her so desperately trying to save bunny because she could not save herself.  I saw myself so desperately trying to save my siblings because I could not save myself. I saw myself, standing there, trying to save a six-year-old child because I could not have saved myself.

I saw myself trying to perpetually save the world because I was perpetually inept to save us. I saw myself trying to save myself through saving others.

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This first appeared in The Havok Journal on May 31, 2024.

Jake Smith is a law enforcement officer and former Army Ranger with four deployments to Afghanistan.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.