Mom is gone…..
Day 3, hour….whatever
So this is from this morning…After a terrible night’s sleep, (Colton decided I needed 0 sleeps, and cried or got up every 20 minutes) I was up at about 6:45. For 4 minutes. Then I fell back asleep. At roughly 7:15, Caleb informs me that Caden will not let him be the Yellow Yoshi. In a fit of rage, I roll over to face my tormentor. As I do, the drool that had been silently pooling just out side of my mouth, and in my cheek, gets flung out at Mach 6. I can only imagine that it looked something along the lines of when the dog from Turner and Hooch shook his floppy ass jowls and sprayed Tom Hanks car with his saliva. I vaguely caught a glimpse of Caleb’s bewildered face, as I rolled out of bed with the agility of a ninja. Problem being, I had woke up 4 seconds ago, and the synapses from my brain to my legs weren’t exactly firing on all cylinders.
My momentum propelled me out of bed and onto my feet. My lack of completed synapse signals, coordination, and gravity, propelled me straight toward my wife’s dresser. Good news is that I was starting to wake up a bit. Bad news was that my arms were still asleep. I remember saying “Stupid goddamn video games!” Caleb says that it sounded like I growled “Saltine crackers.” Bottom line, I did a nude barrel roll face first into my wife’s dresser. In front of my 5yr old. I realize my fit of rage, and the ensuing accident, woke Colton up. I decide that I should put clothes on.
We meander down stairs to scrounge up breakfast. Caleb wants wild berry muffins, Caden wants blueberry, and Colton just mumbles incoherently. I decide I like his choice. I dump all the ingredients into the same bowl and add water. Neither child over the age of 4 is happy. I silently enjoy their unhappiness. I pop the muffins in the oven and I am immediately struck with fear.
This was not the kid of fear where you are afraid of spiders, snakes, the dark, or hairless cats, or Orcas. But the kind of fear that is the voice in your head that says “Oh shitballs…I cant hear my children. I KNOW there will be a mess to clean up!” I snap around and see Colton wearing only a diaper. Sitting. In the cat’s water bowl. With my wallet. I run over to him and take his diaper off. it falls in the cat’s water bowl. The diaper contains poop. I grab the diaper, run to the trash can, holding my hand under it, so shit water doesn’t dribble out onto the floor. It does anyway. I clean Colton up and put clothes on him. I then remember that the cats have poopy water. I decide I am ok with this, as lions in Africa drink some super nasty water that hippos are dropping a deuce in. I then gag at the sight of poopy water and clean it out.
A few minutes later, the oven timer lets me know my baked goods are ready for consumption. I put them on a rack to cool. Colton goes all Gwen Stephanie bananas and wants one. NOW. I tell him they are too hot to eat. He cares not for my safety concerns. After a few hysterical minutes, spurred on by the two older boys whining also, I yell out “FIIIIIIIIINE! YOU ANIMALS!” I open one up to put butter on it and the tingle on my left middle finger grabs my attention. The glob of molten wild berry is melting into my finger like hydrochloric acid. I start flinging my hand wildly about. I immediately experience relief in my finger. Then feel the molten berry assaulting me again. It had landed just below my eye brow. I decide I hate today, and ground all 3 boys on the spot. I open up another one and put some butter on it. The butter starts to boil. I hand it to one of my kids. I tell myself I am a good parent. The rest of the day goes by without event. Although, I ground everyone from playing with Yoshi. I decide he is an actual enemy that must be dealt with.
Note: The muffins were delicious.
Mom is gone…..
Day 4, hour 0, minute, 0, second 4:
So, last night was uneventful. Kids in bed by 9. This morning, however, is a different story all together. So, Colton climbs out of his bed for the 14th time of the night, and wakes me up. By licking my face. At 6 am. After forcing him to go back to sleep with me, we sleep in until 6:14. He decide that sleep is for the weak. I immediately wish I could sleep more. So we head down stairs. I make it almost all the way down the stairs, and the two older boys both accost me with tattles directed at the other. I yell at the ceiling and ignore them. I also wonder why my kids are up before the sun, but decide I’m too tired to care. Colton informs me that he wants Eggos. I open the freezer to get out the Eggos and vaguely remember the flurry of curse words that flew out of my word hole. A fucking sea turtle fell out of the freezer. On to my foot. Now, there are a whole bunch of things that go through ones head when a fricken sea turtle explodes out of your freezer. Is it trying to eat me? It better not have eaten the last of the Eggos.
That thing better not have crapped out its eggs in there! How did a sea turtle get in my damn freezer. I decide to add sea turtles to my list of fears. As I collect myself, I realize that this is no ordinary sea turtle. It is a stuffed one. A stuffed animal sea turtle. That he had soaked in water. I immediately know who to blame for this.
“Colton!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I yell at the top of my lungs. He comes into the kitchen and sees me, and the Eggos, half the ice from the ice tray, and his god awful sea turtle on the ground. After staring at me for about 5 seconds he just says “What?” I immediately decide that I will talk to my wife about getting a vasectomy. I ask him what in the hell possessed him to place his stuffed animal sea turtle in water, then in the freezer. He says that he wanted him to get frozen hard, so he could ride him in the sea turtle pool in the back yard. It’s been pissing outside for 2 straight days. I decide that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I have no idea how to punish in this situation. I turn around and find Colton sitting down in the cat’s water. Again. I lower my head and ask Caleb if he wants some Eggo waffles.
Note: Stuffed sea turtles don’t weigh much. Soaked and frozen sea turtles do.
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