Where Duty Turns to Doubt

Dearest Mom,

The hardest thing about writing these letters is the fact that I can’t really talk about anything I do. It makes for rather dry material, and often enough I try to write something and find it too poor a product to call my own. But one thing I can write about is my thoughts. As I have stated before, with the lack of technology, you are in your own head a lot. While we often have lighthearted behaviors and attitudes, that only lasts for so long, and you are here enough that you really begin to think about things.

It is certainly a unique experience being over here, and it really puts into perspective U.S. foreign policy, how it affects other places, and how more primitive countries interact with advanced countries. When I say primitive, I mean the things you see, like flying in a plane and looking out the window to see, surrounded by hundreds of miles of mountains, a small village untouched by the sands of time. And then you see a more crowded city such as Kabul, and it has a sense of modernity to it, with highways and cars streaming about, although still a stark difference from any Western city.

The people are often the most perplexing to me, though. The locals here often vary, and they always seem clueless and innocent enough, but who are you talking to that is actually working against you, and how do you tell? They are cooking your food, running little shops, and doing other menial tasks throughout the base.

To make matters more confusing, there are many foreign workers from places such as Pakistan, India, and the Philippines. Take note, it is exclusively American allies that are offered these contracts. Often they are paid very little, as we Americans perceive it at least, maybe like $200 a month, but to them it is a fortune that they could never fathom making in their home country. Sounds good, right? You have a migrant worker making good money for his family, we are paying very little for the personnel, and everyone is happy.

Unfortunately, there is often someone behind the scenes who contracts these workers and charges very high fees for them. That is capitalism, I guess, but more of crony capitalism, I suspect, with how the processes for getting these contracts work. I am no expert on the matter, and this is based more on observation and little stories I have picked up. Being the skeptic I am, and with how easily rumors fly, I am often very skeptical of such claims, but one simply needs to see the money thrown at this war to see it’s not all too far-fetched.

On this you have contractors as well. Now, contractors often get a bad rap for how much they are paid, but in my experience contractors have always been the most pleasant to work with and have had an outstanding work ethic. Of course, for the amount they are paid and the relatively low workload they have, that is to be expected, but I have formed some good friendships with many of the men who work over here.

Back to my point of the suspect local who could be working for the enemy, a big question it has me pondering is what evil lurks in men’s hearts. You hear about the atrocities that occur here, such as schoolgirls being poisoned, children being tricked into becoming suicide bombers, and all other things. Are one of these smiling, seemingly friendly Afghans trying to get a dollar out of you, men who hold these ideals, or do they truly believe in building a better country? What do they truly think?

It is also a country ravaged by generations of war, and it is so different from anything I have ever known I can’t possibly fathom what their point of view of the world is. I also think about the power of religion here, for what little they have, how they are so faithful, and what it is about it that gives them hope or even commits them to violence in the name of religion. As a man who is struggling with his faith, but was fortunate enough to grow up in a powerful country, this is often on my mind.

Possibly it is the struggle they go through in life, and they see it as a test to something better in the next life, or perhaps it gives them comfort in so much uncertainty and danger in their daily lives that a higher power of good is looking out for them. I suppose this contrasts with my belief, where a higher power is more of an omnipotent being that exists, but is merely an observer. Whether good or evil happens, justice or injustice, it is our freedom as human beings that allows these things to happen.

What point is it to strive for good, then, I will ask myself. I am in this desolate place, watching people make a profit over a cause they don’t care about, watching people who genuinely care try and make a difference, and the majority are just like me, people here to do their jobs and duty. I suppose many of these thoughts plague me as I get ready to transition out of the military and get older. You would be surprised by the questions you ask yourself when you observe a situation around you and apply it to yourself or what you would do.

I have heard people say they wouldn’t work out here as a contractor despite the very generous pay. I, on the other hand, would. However, I don’t have a direct family and would mainly be interested in the money, as anything in life requires sacrifice, and this boring, mundane, dangerous life seems to be it. But every person that is here is here for a different reason. Sure, a bunch of people got deployed here and didn’t have a choice, but it is truly different talking to different people.

We all joined for our own reasons, some such as me for honor and duty as well as a chance to be our own man. Others simply did it for the money and benefits, whether they are younger and did it for the college benefits or to support their family, which is the most important thing to them.

I imagine it is the same with the foreign workers, they are doing it for their family, or who knows, maybe to save up some money, go to Dubai, party it up, and support the abhorrent human trafficking. Nothing in the world is black and white, and this is no exception.

I always feel there should be something I can take away from this, but you know when you learn something or experience it and it changes your view, it can be hard to express it, which is often my situation when conveying my thoughts to others. But right now, for this deployment, I see this place as a metaphor for life and the world, for all the murkiness and unknowns that are in it. Everyone here is brought here on different paths with ideals of their own, and all are striving for something different.

Sadly, unlike the world, I do not see any hope for this country despite the good people are trying to do, too many factors are going to lead it into chaos in the ensuing years, and it makes me sad, because despite my distrust I know there are some good people here.

To conclude this monologue, one of the biggest things I have been thinking lately is whether I want to pursue a career helping people and making the world a better place, or whether I want to pursue something to make me prosperous and wealthy. I find myself leaning toward the latter as I lose my faith in ever being able to change the world and that I just have to accept the dark place it is and go with the flow and profit from what I can with it. I wonder what happened to the more idealistic me from just a few short years ago.

_____________________________

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.