I’m not broken, I’m dangerous

by Jeremy D.O. Rebmann

Photo Credit: DVIDS (Public Domain)

I had someone sneak up behind me and intentionally startle me again yesterday – just when I thought I could relax. “Stick ‘em up!” they laugh. A poke in my ribs. I feel my heart pound and adrenaline surge like I’m in a real fight to the death again. My fists clench. Then I smile and play it off. This time it’s just someone trying to entertain themselves by sneaking up on me.

It’s always the same. “You’re not suppose to be able sneak up on a cop/Agent/veteran like that. Ha! You’re getting soft!” They are so amused with themselves. I breathe deep. It’s going to take an hour before this electric surge of neuro-chemicals wears off. I feel desperately like I need to hit something.  But I just smile. I was relaxed and happy just ten seconds ago. This was the third time this month. Now I’m scanning for threats. I didn’t scan for threats when I walked into this building, because I don’t want to look like the wary veteran who needs to sit in the safety of the corner. But to the corner is exactly where I’m going now. To be safe from another startle. Thanks to you.

I have a 30-year habit of scanning for threats. My startle response saved my life more than once. The instinct to guard my holster or block a punch brought me safely home to my wife and family on many nights. I’m not dead in an alleyway at the hands of evil men because my hands move quickly under stress. You don’t know the restraint it took not to put my elbow into your jaw just now.

I’m not ashamed of my startle response. It’s the beautiful scar carved in my mind from serving my country and community for 30 years. I’m not broken, I’m dangerous. Intentionally startling a veteran of any Profession of Arms is a selfish act – like poking a lion in a trap to see how he snarles. I’m not ashamed that you intentionally startled me. But you should be.

______________________________

This first appeared in The Havok Journal on August 13, 2024.

Jeremy was raised in a college town by a single-mother. He graduated from the US Air Force Academy and served as a Sortie Generation Officer and a Special Agent (Captain) in the USAF Office of Special Investigations (OSI) assigned to AFSOC (Air Force Special Operations Command). While in OSI, Jeremy was recruited by the FBI. He served in the FBI for 23 years as a Special Agent and spent 21 of those years as a SWAT Operator, Assault Team Leader, Lead Medic, Senior Firearms Instructor, and Sniper Team Leader. Jeremy has served in medical mission trips in Mexico, Ghana, Uganda, Togo, Ecuador, Haiti, and Nicaragua. Providing free medical care to others seems like a natural act as a follower of Jesus. After completing 32 years of government service, now he volunteers at his church, local shelters, food banks, and serves in a lay-counselor ministry.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.