The Hidden Scars

We are the tales of A. A. Milne’s “Hundred Acre Woods.” We are forever seeking to explain the bipolar results of war. How can we so rapidly shift from Tigger to Eeyore? From manic to depressive? How can we sway from Piglet to Rabbit? From childish innocence to obsessive logic, in a single breath. 

Only a fictional world could seek to explain the plight within the veteran to the inexperienced. To look upon Christopher Robin and his curiosity is to look upon the world as they look upon us. Only a fictional world could seek to explain to the curious onlooker the emotional impacts of the hidden scars. To look upon Christopher Robin is to also look upon ourselves, trying to navigate the rapid shifts within and searching for their explanations.

Could the answer lie beyond the hidden scars and fictional worlds? Could they lie in now simple scans? I read every sign and symptom. I wonder if every check is a reality or a figment of hypochondria. I wonder if it is a convenient way to explain away my shameful actions. I wonder if it explains the actions of so many others, lost to their own hands and self-destruction. Could the once hidden scars be perceivable? Could the psychological be amplified by the physical? Could every blast, breach, and burst have left both imperceivable and perceivable scars? 

Could the answers lie in what we know about both the psychological and neurological? Could the hidden scars be amplified by the brain’s relentless exposures? Could the Traumatic Brain Injuries (TBI) and repetitive blast exposures create a damaged brain? A damage brain that explains The Hundred Acre Woods within? The almost uncontrollable shifts. The headaches, the anger, the pain, the sadness, the ringing…

Could the answers explain the nagging question I have held for almost a decade and a half? Could it explain why our study came to such a quick and quiet end? Could the answer lie in those shattered vials? Those vials that stated over and over we were exposed to dangerous levels of pressure. No matter the limit, they seemed to shatter time and time again.

What I know now explains the nagging question of why it ended. It ended because the height of the Global War on Terror was an inconvenient time for such truths and revelations, the same as truths about radiation, mustard gas, and Agent Orange were inconvenient to wars of past. The hidden truths that left generations of veterans seeking answers to nagging questions. That left them to fight for answers and dignity while living, and dying, with the scars.   

I wonder what such answers might bring me. Would black spots on an image provide solutions or merely an explanation, or excuse? Once the damage is done, there is no going back. Would the truth resolve the madness? Would knowing it was mercury cure a mad hatter? I fear the answer is no, but maybe knowing “why” might help me understand the The Hundred Acre Woods within. 

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This first appeared in The Havok Journal on May 28, 2024.

Jake Smith is a law enforcement officer and former Army Ranger with four deployments to Afghanistan.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.