Maneuver Space: The Impact of Attachment

Volume 2, Issue 10, December 2024

If you served in the military no matter what branch of service you were in, you learned at some point the importance of having space to maneuver. Whether you were maneuvering pairs of boots, a tank, a ship, or a fighter jet, having adequate physical space was essential to executing maneuver smoothly and safely. Likewise, when we encounter challenges in life, our minds need maneuver space to mentally negotiate difficult moments. This series will highlight each month a different brief cognitive tool that you can use in your daily life to potentially create more maneuver space.  Remember having maneuver space, or space to think, is a gift in life. Once you create it, use it to your advantage!

The Impact of Attachment

In the military you would likely never be told, ‘Go and complete your mission alone and report back when you are done’. At a minimum, you would have a battle buddy, wingman, or shipmate to accomplish any given task together. The military recognizes that we need one another to succeed in life. A team is stronger than any one individual. The team provides a secure base of strength. This secure base is commonly known in psychology as attachment. All humans have a universal need for attachment.[1] While we appreciate our privacy, we do not thrive when permanently isolated and alone. Therefore, an individual who is securely attached also has good mental maneuver space to form healthy relationships and sustain their emotional well-being.

Universal Need for Attachment

Attachment theory was first coined by Dr. John Bowlby who noted, “All of us from cradle to grave, are happiest when life is organized as a series of excursions, long or short, from the secure base provided by our attachment figure(s)”.[2] These excursions are normally experienced during early childhood interactions with our parental figures. At an early developmental age, when we are the most vulnerable both mentally and physically, we all have a tremendous need for love, acceptance, belonging, comfort, and safety.[3] In the 1970s, Dr. Mary Ainsworth expanded on the profound effects early childhood attachment has on adult behavior later in life. Her work and the subsequent work of others coined several major styles of attachment:

• Secure Attachment: An individual experienced responsive and consistent parental figures. As an adult, they can make sense of their life in a free, flexible, coherent, self-reflective, and balanced perspective.
• Avoidant-Insecure Attachment: An individual experienced rejecting or distant parental figures. As an adult, they may be dismissing of others, unavailable, inflexible, minimize emotional significance, and focused on self-sufficiency, independence, and comfort of being alone.
• Ambivalent-Insecure Attachment: An individual experienced inconsistent or intrusive parental figures. As an adult, they may be anxious, express uncertain or idealized versions of others or self, crave emotional intimacy but have difficulty with trust, and be pre-occupied.
• Disorganized-Insecure Attachment: An individual experienced frightening, confusing, or fearful parental figures. As an adult, they may avoid intimacy due to fear of rejection and may have unresolved trauma, grief, guilt, or shame.[4]

Dr. Susan Johnson and Dr. Leslie Greenberg further developed in the 1980s a form of psychotherapy called emotionally focused therapy which uses the framework of attachment theory to understand our vulnerabilities, particularly as it relates to emotions. In loving intimate relationships in particular, our interactional cycle can often be measured by three questions: 1) ‘Do I matter to you?’; 2) ‘Are you there for me?’; and 3) ‘Will you come when I need you and I call?’[5] When we don’t experience clear answers to these questions, we can be overcome by fear and enter into a negative cycle because our core attachment needs are not being met.

Pursuer vs. Withdrawer and the Negative Interactional Cycle

Much of the negative interactional cycle can be framed as a pursuer and withdrawer. Connections and attachment are our basic survival mechanisms. Some of us feel threatened so we fight as a pursuer, becoming hyper-aroused, flooded, and rigid. Others feel overwhelmed, we flight as a withdrawer, embracing avoidance and numbing the pressure and intensity.[6] Ultimately, both the pursuer and the withdrawer try to protect their vulnerabilities. For example, if I feel hurt, I might react in anger, this in turn makes you feel sad and frustrated. An illustration of this cycle follows with further explanation below of the steps:

^[7]

The pursuer (1) normally initiates a negative interaction cycle by protecting themselves through their behavior. These behaviors ‘bump into’ the primary emotions (2) of the withdrawer as triggers impacting their vulnerabilities. They experience a secondary emotional (3) reaction which drives a protective behavior. The primary emotions (4) of the pursuer are then similarly triggered by their vulnerabilities, and they react by protecting themselves and experiencing a secondary emotion (5). This cycle then often continually repeats itself in a negative interactional infinity loop. The more negative the cycle, the more friction, tension, and insecurity the relationship develops. What further complicates things, is that humans naturally try to hide their vulnerabilities from the world. Sometimes we do this consciously, other times unconsciously.

How Do We Stop the Vicious Loop of the Negative Interactional Cycle?

The Sufi mystic Rumi once stated, “The cure for the pain is in the pain”. Humans’ ability to reach for others to seek calming comfort is a strength, not a weakness, and is linked to our universal need for attachment and connection. In interpersonal relationships, particularly loving intimate ones, we all need to feel acceptance, comfort, and safety. Building safe connections stops the negative interactional cycle. When we feel soothed and comforted, we are more open to experiencing the risk of being emotionally vulnerable with our partner. Securely attached individuals have plenty of mental maneuver space to form healthy relationships. They are comfortable with closeness, intimacy, trust, expression of their emotions, and can maintain a healthy interdependent balance with their partner.[8]

About the Author: Mr. Bongioanni is a licensed mental health counselor who alsoworks for the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. He is also a senior leader in the U.S. Army Reserve. His professional interests include human behavior, applied psychology, and military cultural competence. The views expressed are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, the U.S. Department of Defense, or the U.S. Government.

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[1] Jorgensen, R., Presentation on EFCT Fundamentals for Practitioners Working with the Veteran Community Therapy, EFT Counseling and Education Center, 2024.

[2] Bowlby, J., (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development, Basic Books, New York, 62.

[3] Jorgensen, R., 2024.

[4] Siegel, D., Clinical Implications and Applications of the Adult Attachment Interview, CMI Education Institute, 2012.

[5] Jorgensen, R., 2024.

[6] Siegel, D., 2012.

^[7] Adapted from: Siegel, D., 2012.

[8] McLeod, S & Guy-Evans, O. Secure Attachment Style Relationships & How to Form, Simply Psychology, Retrieved from https://www.simplypsychology.org/secure-attachment.html, 12 December 2024.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.