Chris Siwanowicz

My mind dangerously drifted as the name came across my screen. Among the flashing lights, darkness, and unknown danger of the traffic stop, that name became my greatest fear. I fumbled and finished so I might confront the impending devastation that name would bring at such late an hour. His voice was awkward and the silence deafening as I waited. In that moment he told me that, yet another Ranger had been engulfed by the wounds of the past. 

The next two days my mind drifted dangerously from the tasks at hand. On every call and every stop, moments of silence brought the thoughts I had no time to consider. Then came the insult to injury. With every word the suppressed rage became consuming. The insult of knowing someone so undeserving sought to preserve the memory of such a great man. To know that the undeserving would do so for self-glorification. To know that so many deserving others could preserve such memories with humility. 

I fought the rage, I sought understanding, and I begged for peace. As I sit now, I am not sure if I have accomplished any. 

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This first appeared in The Havok Journal on December 5, 2023.

Jake Smith is a law enforcement officer and former Army Ranger with four deployments to Afghanistan.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.