War Between India and Pakistan Results in 90% Drop in Worldwide Scam Calls

Global Cybercrime Crackdown Achieved… By Accident?

by Hugh Jashol, Article 107 News*

In a stunning twist of geopolitical chaos meets unexpected global relief, the recent all-out war between India and Pakistan has resulted in a 90% drop in scam calls worldwide, prompting mixed reactions from global leaders, telecom companies, and confused grandmothers everywhere.

Reports indicate that the outbreak of hostilities between the two nuclear-armed neighbors—traditionally considered a nightmare scenario by experts—has had one oddly positive consequence: the sudden disappearance of heavily accented strangers offering “urgent action required on your Amazon Prime account.”

A World Without “Microsoft Technical Department”

“It’s eerily quiet,” said Martha Jenkins, 82, of Des Moines, who hasn’t heard a fake IRS agent threaten her with jail time in over a week. “At first I thought my phone was broken. But now… I kind of miss them.”

Telecom data confirms that since the war began, scam call volumes have plummeted globally. Silicon Valley insiders report a 400% increase in productivity now that coders no longer need to interrupt meetings to scream “stop calling me!” into their phones.

“I never thought a major regional war would bring this kind of bliss,” said Carl Jeffries, a call center burnout from Manchester. “I just updated my car insurance in peace. It’s surreal.”

Cybercrime Cartels Displaced

Intelligence analysts report mass confusion among international scam syndicates.

“Without access to their call center hubs in the subcontinent, these guys are toast,” said CIA operative ‘Agent Gary’ (not his real name, but probably his actual Grindr username). “One guy tried running a refund scam using smoke signals. It didn’t go well.”

A leaked WhatsApp message from one infamous scam boss read: “We are now considering relocating to Uzbekistan. But internet here is slow and nobody can say ‘gift card’ with emotional conviction.”

Tech Support Feels Existential Crisis

Meanwhile, legitimate Indian tech support workers have found themselves in an identity crisis.

“How will Americans know we’re not trying to rob them?” asked Dev Patel, an IT specialist in Bangalore. “We used to start every call with ‘I’m not a scammer.’ Now, with no scammers left… it just feels lonely.”

Politicians Try to Spin It

World leaders are scrambling to address the situation. President Biden praised the “unexpected peace dividend,” while the UK’s Prime Minister attempted to claim credit by saying he “once thought about calling someone in Delhi.”

Pakistan’s Ministry of Telecommunications issued a confused press release saying, “We regret the humanitarian consequences of war, but also admit this has really cleaned up the spam queue.”

India’s External Affairs Office declined to comment but did tweet: “Karma has an API.”

The UN Reacts (Eventually)

The United Nations convened an emergency session to discuss the war, but secretly, delegates admitted they were “just grateful for the silence.” One Scandinavian diplomat was overheard whispering, “Honestly, we might let this play out a bit longer…”

Conclusion: Unexpected Peace through Mutually Assured Disconnection

As the world adjusts to the new, blissfully quiet reality, historians are already struggling to categorize this conflict. Was it a war? A digital detox? The most extreme version of customer service ever implemented?

Whatever the case, one thing is certain: for the first time in decades, humanity has experienced what it’s like to finish a sentence without being interrupted by “Hello sir, I am calling you from Windows Support.”

And for that, maybe—just maybe—we’re all a little bit grateful. Except for the IRS impersonators. They’ve reportedly switched to smoke bombs and ravens. Stay vigilant.

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*Article 107 News: The Facts, Before They Happen
Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” As the name implies, Art107 News is Havok Journal’s satire wing, and you shouldn’t take anything published under this byline seriously. You should., however, mercilessly mock anyone who does.

..but this one sounds pretty plausible, right?