by Hugh Jashol, for Article 107 News*
Nagoya, Japan – In a shocking blow to the global pickup truck market, Toyota Motor Corporation announced that sales projections for its iconic Hilux have “fallen off a cliff” following reports of long-awaited peace breaking out in the Middle East.
The Hilux, known in warzones everywhere as the world’s most reliable technical, has long been the vehicle of choice for insurgents, militias, and armed groups who need to mount a heavy machine gun in the back and still get 25 miles per gallon.
Militias “Devastated” by the News
“This is catastrophic,” lamented Abu Mahmoud, spokesman for the Free Sons of the Desert Martyrs Brigade (FSOTDMB). “We’ve spent decades relying on the Hilux. It can carry six fighters, a DShK, two RPGs, and a goat, all while surviving airstrikes. Now what are we supposed to do—buy American?”
U.S. defense contractors immediately issued a statement clarifying that their products “cannot, under any circumstances, be expected to start reliably without at least two contractors, three engineers, and a PowerPoint slide deck.”
Toyota Attempts to Pivot
Toyota executives expressed concern over the downturn. “For decades, whenever there was instability in the Middle East, we knew we could count on strong sales,” said company representative Kenji Watanabe. “The Hilux was practically a line item in every militia’s budget. Peace is really bad for business.”
To adapt, Toyota announced several new initiatives, including:
- A “Civilian Technical Package” for weekend warriors that comes pre-installed with a roof rack “rated for light to medium recoilless rifles.”
- A marketing push in rural America under the slogan: “If it’s tough enough for Yemen, it’s tough enough for your deer lease.”
- Talks with Hollywood to sponsor the next post-apocalyptic blockbuster, ensuring Hilux trucks remain synonymous with dusty chaos and makeshift machine guns.
Pentagon Watching Closely
U.S. military officials admitted the development caught them off guard. “Frankly, our entire counterinsurgency logistics model assumed Toyota would keep supplying the bad guys indefinitely,” said one anonymous officer at the Pentagon. “Now we might have to track their financing through… I don’t know, Hyundais? Do Hyundais even come with a crew-served weapon mount option?”
The Road Ahead
While Toyota scrambles to salvage its global brand dominance in the militia light truck market, experts predict a wave of stability could devastate other industries as well, including:
- Flip-flop manufacturers (traditional insurgent footwear).
- Cheap Chinese drone vendors.
- AK-47 ammo resellers on Telegram.
Despite the grim outlook, some remain hopeful. “Peace may be bad for Toyota,” one analyst said, “but let’s not forget—war always has a way of finding a new sponsor.”
*Article 107 News: The Facts, Before They Happen
Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” As the name implies, Art107 News is Havok Journal’s satire wing, and you shouldn’t take anything published under this byline seriously. You should., however, mercilessly mock anyone who does.
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