by Hugh Jashol, Article 107 News*
LONDON, U.K. — In a bold and thoroughly royal move that would make even the saltiest E-4 nod in quiet respect, U.K. war veteran and Prince Harry has reportedly heeded President Trump’s invitation for non-citizens to “self-deport” initiated his own exfil plan to escape the gravitational pull of Meghan Markle’s Hollywood throne.
According to unnamed palace sources who definitely aren’t just British guys in pubs, the Duke of Sussex packed his issued Patagonia backpack, a half-empty bottle of The Glenlivet, and a laminated copy of “Escape and Evasion for Disgraced Royal Marines” before executing a “silent tab out the front gate” at 0400 hours Zulu yesterday morning.
Operation: Eagle Has Unmarried
The covert op—codenamed Operation: Eagle Has Unmarried—was allegedly greenlit after Harry returned home to find Meghan attempting to install a $300,000 “Brand Synergy Meditation Room” next to Archie’s Lego stash.
“She said I wasn’t ‘leaning into my aura,’” Harry reported over secure FaceTime from an undisclosed Waffle House. “And I realized—this isn’t the life my regimental sergeant major promised me when I left Afghanistan.”
Tactical Divorce?
While Buckingham Palace declined to comment officially, insiders confirm Harry has filed for tactical divorce, a rare maneuver used only in emergency royal situations—like when one’s spouse attempts to cast themselves in The Crown Season 7 as “the misunderstood protagonist.”
Military analysts believe Harry’s new plan includes:
- Re-enlisting under an alias (“Private Ginger Danger”)
- Starting a YouTube channel called “The Real Prince of Bel-Air”
- Consulting on Call of Duty: Windsors of War
Royal Fallout
Meanwhile, Meghan reportedly responded to the news by launching her own podcast titled “Uncrowned: Reclaiming My Tiara”, in which she interviews herself about herself, while surrounded by inspirational candles and unpaid interns.
“Honestly, I’m shocked,” said Meghan to herself. “Who will tell my story if I don’t? I mean, besides Netflix, Spotify, Penguin Random House, and Oprah.”
UPDATE: At press time, Prince Harry was spotted at a truck stop in Kentucky offering “royal advice” in exchange for MREs and someone to explain the national obsession with NASCAR.
*Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical news site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does.
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