Pentagon Outrage: Soldiers Deploying to Chicago Denied the Right to Wear the Sacred Reflective Belt

by Hugh Jashol, Article 107 News*

CHICAGO— The U.S. Army is facing a crisis of biblical proportions after it was revealed that troops deploying to Chicago will not, in fact, be required to wear reflective belts—the very talisman that once kept them safe from Taliban RPGs, errant SUVs on Bagram Airfield, and the occasional Staff Sergeant with a clipboard.

“This is an absolute disgrace,” fumed one anonymous NCO. “I wore that belt in Iraq, I wore it in Afghanistan, and I damn well expected to wear it in Chicago. What’s next—are they going to let us cross the street without a battle buddy? Clearly, Trump hates America.”

Reflective Belts: The True Line of Defense

For two decades of war, reflective belts served as the cornerstone of Army safety doctrine. Never mind body armor, mine-resistant vehicles, or satellite surveillance—the real MVP was a strip of neon plastic that made sure troops didn’t accidentally walk into a forklift at 0400.

Now, in Chicago, a city known for deep-dish pizza, wind chills, and questionable nightlife, soldiers are being asked to risk it all—without the warm fluorescent embrace of their belts.

“I’m not afraid of gunfire,” said a junior Specialist, nervously tugging at his unadorned PT shorts. “But what if a lieutenant doesn’t see me in the dark and accidentally gives me work to do? Without the belt, how will I blend into the background?”

Leaders Cite “Operational Flexibility”

When asked why the reflective belt mandate was dropped, Army leadership cited “operational flexibility and local cultural considerations.” Translation: it’s hard to blend in with the locals while glowing like a radioactive crossing guard.

Still, critics insist this is the first step down a slippery slope.

“Today it’s no belts. Tomorrow it’s no safety briefs. By next week, they’ll be letting us drink water without a buddy present. This isn’t the Army I enlisted in,” complained one Sergeant Major polishing his belt collection.

Morale at Risk

The controversy has already sparked a black market in “contraband belts,” with reports of enterprising specialists selling them in alleys behind the barracks. Prices range from $20 for a standard-issue Army belt to $200 for the rare, double-striped “sergeant major edition.”

Meanwhile, rumors abound that the Air Force will swoop in to restore order, as they have a surplus of belts after deploying precisely zero people to combat zones in the last 20 years.

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*Article 107 News: The Facts, Before They Happen
Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” As the name implies, Art107 News is Havok Journal’s satire wing, and you shouldn’t take anything published under this byline seriously. You should., however, mercilessly mock anyone who does.