Pentagon Declares War on Cybersecurity Breaches with Carrier Pigeons

by Brad Chillier

(Courtesy of our friends at Article 107 News*)

In a bold return to time-tested military strategy, the Pentagon has announced that senior defense and national security officials will soon be issued trained carrier pigeons to replace their handheld mobile devices for secure communications.

The initiative, codenamed “Stool Pigeon,” comes in response to a recent incident in which sensitive operational details were leaked via a smartphone app downloaded from the Play Store. The Defense Information Systems Agency (DISA) determined that a more secure, foolproof method was needed—one that even the most sophisticated cyber adversaries couldn’t intercept.

“The use of carrier pigeons for defense purposes is a proven capability,” said DISA spokesperson Oprah Windfury. “They played a critical role in both world wars. In fact, the ‘Lost Battalion’ of the 77th Infantry Division was saved from friendly fire in World War I thanks to a pigeon named Cher Ami. If a bird could outmaneuver German bullets in 1918, we’re confident they can outmaneuver TikTok data breaches in 2025.”

To ensure redundancy, each senior official will be assigned not one but two pigeons—because even in military communications, a backup plan is essential. The birds undergo rigorous training to recognize their handlers, navigate complex routes, and avoid enemy surveillance owls (a classified concern, according to insiders).

Recently, several top Pentagon officials were spotted wearing specially designed pigeon belts, with their new avian companions perched comfortably at their waists. When asked about the transition, one official admitted, “It’s an adjustment. There’s the occasional mess on our pant legs, but frankly, getting crapped on is just part of the job.”

With cyber threats on the rise, the Pentagon remains confident that this feathered force will restore security to high-level communications. And if all else fails, at least they won’t have to worry about bad reception.

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*Article 107 News: The Facts, Before They Happen
Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” As the name implies, Art107 News is Havok Journal’s satire wing, and you shouldn’t take anything published under this byline seriously. You should., however, mercilessly mock anyone who does.