Pentagon Audit? Oh, Sweet Summer Child

by Tammy Pondsmith
Senior Disappointment Correspondent, Article 107 News

Well butter my biscuit and call it a federal accounting standard—we’re doing this again. Every few years, like a comet of confusion streaking across the night sky, someone asks the Department of Defense if it’s planning to pass an audit. And every year, the DoD responds with a sheepish grin, a shoulder shrug, and something along the lines of “you don’t really expect us to, do you?”

Now, let’s all hold hands and appreciate the exquisite irony: the organization with $824.3 billion in its pocket, capable of tracking hypersonic missiles across the globe and launching simultaneous operations on land, sea, air, space, and possibly Narnia… cannot figure out where it left its receipt for that one aircraft carrier.

“It’s Not That We Can’t. It’s Just That We’re… Special.”

Imagine your child asking for an $800 billion allowance, then telling you he can’t account for where any of it went because his toys are “too spread out” and “constantly moving.” That’s basically the DoD’s defense. (“You see, mom, I deployed my GI Joes to the sandbox theater of operations and then they were prepositioned under the couch.”)

But don’t you worry. They have plans. Big ones. Like listing the Pentagon’s book value—because obviously we might try to sell it on Zillow next week. And let’s not forget the 60-year-old B-52 bombers. We now know how to depreciate their value, which is handy if we decide to trade one in for a Tesla.

Business Systems: Now With 200% More Chaos

The DoD has more legacy systems than your great-aunt Mildred has expired cans of creamed corn. Hundreds of systems that don’t talk to each other, and none that can produce a full list of transactions. But hey, if you’d like to know how many paperclips Fort Liberty used in Q4 of 2023, give them six to eight fiscal years and a team of consultants, and they’ll get back to you.

“Tone from the Top”: Or, Why Yelling into a Hurricane Doesn’t Work

We’re told leadership tone matters. Yes, if only senior commanders knew that “taking the audit seriously” meant more than just saying the word “audit” three times in a mirror while holding a balance sheet and spinning counter-clockwise.

We did hear the Marine Corps passed an audit once. The Marines! The guys who think spreadsheets are sorcery and believe “PowerPoint is for the weak.” So either they’re secretly CPAs with rifles or someone made a deal with a dark, budget-balancing deity.

In Conclusion: Hope Is Not an Audit Strategy

Let’s be clear—no one’s asking the DoD to knit its own accounting software out of parachute cord and chewing gum. Just… maybe know where your money is? Maybe stop treating the audit like a scavenger hunt where the prize is a shrug and a sigh?

But here’s the real genius: every time they almost pass, we applaud. Progress! Momentum! Accountability just around the corner! It’s like praising a toddler for getting within 30% of the toilet.

And so we wait. For the next nominee to solemnly promise change. For the next hearing filled with PowerPoint slides, patriotic metaphors, and a full-color graphic labeled “Audit Roadmap” with a big red dot that says, “You Are Here—Still Lost.”

We salute you, Department of Defense. You may not know where your money is, but at least you’re consistent. And in this chaotic world, that’s worth something. Probably about $824.3 billion.

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Tammy Pondsmith reports for Article 107 News, where reality meets regulation and neither passes inspection.

*Article 107 News: The Facts, Before They Happen
Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” As the name implies, Art107 News is Havok Journal’s satire wing, and you shouldn’t take anything published under this byline seriously. You should., however, mercilessly mock anyone who does.