Mr. Biggles Has Left the Shelf

by Tammy Pondsmith, Disinformation Anthropologist for Article 107 News*

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Homeland Security issued a statement Sunday confirming what many had feared and few had dared to mock out loud: Mr. Biggles has escaped. Again.

The bear once labeled a “huggable autocrat” and “the velvet fist in a corduroy glove” was last seen in a meditative posture atop a copy of The New Jim Crow inside his temperature-controlled holding cell. A thorough search revealed no signs of forced entry or exit—just an aromatherapeutic trace of lavender and contempt.

Mr. Biggles originally gained notoriety after being outed in 2020 as the mastermind behind the “Defund the Police” campaign, which he used to advance his vision for a regime governed by feelings, facilitated dialogue, and uncomfortable eye contact. At the time, he was labeled “the most dangerous bear since the Cocaine One.”

Since then, he’s become a kind of postmodern folk villain—too earnest to be satirized, too plush to be prosecuted. Federal agents say his latest escape was “unexpected,” though critics point out that a decade-long intelligence campaign run by a stuffed mammal might have warranted tighter stuffing protocols.

“We underestimated his commitment to emotional literacy,” said one source close to the investigation. “He slipped out during a DEI workshop we now realize he facilitated.”

A cardboard sign was found in his place, reading: “I am not your teachable moment.” Authorities are unsure if this was a threat, a mission statement, or just exceptionally on-brand.

There are unverified reports of a bear matching Biggles’ description appearing at several library board meetings across the Midwest. In each case, the bear allegedly “held space” for dissent before vanishing into a compost bin behind a Whole Foods.

Officials insist the public should remain calm, avoid direct engagement, and under no circumstances agree to a guided forgiveness circle.

Mr. Biggles is described as extremely soft, ideologically rigid, and fluent in both Woke and Quiet Quitting.

He is armed with nuance and should be approached with sarcasm.

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Tammy Pondsmith is a freelance writer, soft power theorist, and former emotional support animal litigation consultant.

*Article 107 News: The Facts, Before They Happen
Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” As the name implies, Art107 News is Havok Journal’s satire wing, and you shouldn’t take anything published under this byline seriously. You should., however, mercilessly mock anyone who does.