Greenland Launches Pre-Emptive Strike Against the U.S. With… Weather?

By Hugh Jashol, Article 107 News*

In an unprecedented act of meteorological hostility, the Government of Greenland has officially declared war on the United States — with weather.

Yes, you read that right.

According to sources familiar with the matter, Greenland’s Ministry of Arctic Climate Jujitsu confirmed their long-rumored Operation: Frostbite First this morning, claiming responsibility for a series of gargantuan winter storms currently engulfing the continental US. The White House — buried under feet of snow and soggy tweets — has yet to comment.

Greenland, having recent activated its internal defense contingency plan code named “Operation Leogs and Hotties,” has now taken additional steps to ensure its sovereignty.

The Cold War Has Truly Frozen Over

Officials in Nuuk, Greenland’s capital, held a press conference (virtually, because the internet wouldn’t work if it got cold there) to explain their reasoning.

“After decades of being climate-ignored and ice caps photographed by lazy tourists, and after threats to use military force to seize Greenland, we are proud to announce that we struct first. Yes, we have weaponized winter,” said Minister of Cryogenic Affairs Søren Icely.

“These storms are not accidental,” Ms. Icely continued, “They are strategic. We call it pre-emptive chill. And yes — America deserves this.”

When pressed for specifics, Greenlandic officials pointed to the recent Historic Winter Storm Fern, which has crippled travel, slammed power grids, and given millions of Americans fresh appreciation for heated blankets and existential dread. Fern’s snow, sleet, and ice have stretched thousands of miles — from Texas to Maine — affecting tens of millions of Americans and canceling more flights than a high school valedictorian’s ego.

Experts now speculate that this colossal weather event is so perfectly calibrated, so outrageously cold, that even the polar vortex itself filed a formal complaint for exhaustion. Meteorologists reportedly saw Greenland’s capital chuckling from satellite imagery as the storm intensified. (Note: this claim has not been medically verified, but it feels true.)

A Strategic Snow Job

Inside sources say Greenland’s plan was centuries in the making, involving secret experiments on:

• Ice amplifier arrays hidden beneath the Ilulissat Icefjord
• Blizzard biplanes piloted by huskies on Red Bull
• And the mysterious “Gore Effect Crystal”—a fridge magnet capable of attracting colossal cold fronts (rumored to have once been used at a solar panel convention in Northern Minnesota)

Critics have cried foul, but Greenlandic scientists insist all winter warfare was conducted ethically, with respect for international frost treaties.

U.S. Responds With… Space Heaters

The US response so far has been both strategic and cost-effective. Between stockpiling hot cocoa and instituting nationwide office Pajama Days (mandatory), the Department of Homeland Climate has also begun Operation Blanket Wall — a plan to fortify citizens with thick socks and inspirational thermos mugs before further onslaughts from the Arctic North.

President Trump — addressing the nation while shivering in a parka — declared:

“This winter is huge. The biggest winter. Some say it’s Greenland’s fault. But believe me… we’ll build a blanket around America, and Greenland will pay for it!”
(Editor’s note: White House thermodynamics experts remain baffled.)

Who Really Started It?

Greenland’s audacious weather warfare has sparked a lot of debate: Is this retaliation for centuries of salmon jokes? A misunderstood cry for attention? Or just one Arctic nation exercising its right to a cold snap?

Whatever the motive, Americans are now forced to grapple with:

• Icy roads
• Cancelled plans
• And the realization that weather can now be considered an international threat.

In related news, Canada has launched a diplomatic mission offering warm mittens and heartfelt apologies to both sides.

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Stay Warm, Stay Informed

Article 107 News will continue to monitor this frosty geopolitical crisis. Stay tuned for updates, emergency cocoa recipes, and expert tips on how to politically weaponize soup.

There is no word yet if the US is ready to declare a Global War on Temperature.

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Hugh is an imaginary former junior enlisted soldier in the US Army, who retired as an E4 after 10 years of service in the National Guard. He thinks this weather is bullshit, no matter who is to blame.

*This article is a production of Article 107 News. Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” Make of that what you will.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.