DOGE Directs Pentagon to Provide “Up-Armor” Kits to Tesla

by Brad Chillier

(Courtesy of our friends at Article 107 News*)

The Pentagon has announced it will be sending surplus Army vehicle up-armor kits to Tesla. Following a recent meeting between DOGE officials and the Department of Defense, DOGE directed the transfer to begin immediately.

Tesla vehicles—particularly the much-hyped Cybertrucks—have been the target of a string of attacks, including firebombings. Protests at dealerships have further shaken consumer confidence, sending Tesla stock into freefall.

“Up-armor” kits, as they’re called, consist of components designed to enhance the ballistic and blast protection of military vehicles. These kits were widely used in Iraq and Afghanistan, where they helped withstand everything from small-arms fire to roadside bombs. When asked about their effectiveness, Pentagon spokesman Colonel Hugh Jashol remarked, “These things can stop an explosive-formed IED. They can certainly handle a steel ball thrown at it or a Molotov cocktail from an angry consumer.”

Originally intended for the Afghan Army (and then later earmarked for Ukraine), the kits are now being redirected to address what officials are calling a “clear domestic need.” “Given the current situation, partnering with industry to repurpose these excess defense articles for Tesla just made sense,” Jashol added.

Tesla hopes these up-armor kits will reassure current owners and prevent them from offloading their vehicles in panic sales—while also enticing new buyers by demonstrating the company’s commitment to, if nothing else, survival. The automaker plans to incorporate the kits into all new models and has launched a voluntary service campaign to retrofit existing vehicles.

In a statement on its website, Tesla applauded this unprecedented partnership with the Department of Defense, calling it a “win” for everyone.

In a related development, the Office of the Secretary of Defense has tasked the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) with developing low-visibility stealth technology to better protect Tesla dealerships. DARPA claims it is working on a solution that will make Tesla showrooms “all but disappear.”

No word yet on whether that capability will extend to its stock price.

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*Article 107 News: The Facts, Before They Happen
Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” As the name implies, Art107 News is Havok Journal’s satire wing, and you shouldn’t take anything published under this byline seriously. You should., however, mercilessly mock anyone who does.