Army Perplexed as Hundreds of Junior Enlisted Troops Suddenly Open Daycare Centers

By Hugh Jashol, Founding Member, E4 Mafia

FORT EVERYWHERE, USA — In a development that stunned military commanders, government auditors, and absolutely no one who has actually ever met junior enlisted troops, hundreds of service members across the force have abruptly announced the opening of fully licensed daycare centers, despite possessing no children, no facilities, and—according to records—no idea how childcare works.

The move comes amid a broader national conversation sparked by the Minnesota daycare fraud scandal, in which investigators discovered an alarming number of childcare centers that existed mostly on paper and entirely in bank accounts. Military leaders insist the timing is “pure coincidence” and “definitely not a learning opportunity taken way too far.”

“We’re Just Exercising Some Disciplined Initiative, Sergeant Major”

According to internal briefings, the new daycare operators include infantrymen, mechanics, fuelers, cooks, and at least one artillery specialist who openly admitted he thought a “curriculum” was a type of ammo.

“We’re diversifying our income streams,” said SPC Tyler Jenkins, 22, owner and director of Tiny Patriots Learning Academy, which operates out of a storage unit behind the motor pool. “The Army always says we need a backup plan.”

When asked how many children were currently enrolled, Jenkins responded, “Operationally? Zero. Financially? Plenty.”

Rapid Expansion Raises Questions

Investigators became suspicious when they noticed entire platoons listing themselves as early childhood education professionals, often using identical business plans, identical language, and identical clip-art logos featuring smiling cartoon toddlers wearing camouflage.

One audit revealed:

• 47 daycare centers registered to the same barracks address
• Multiple operators claiming to supervise 38 children each during field exercises
• One E-4 reporting a monthly childcare payroll larger than the battalion’s fuel budget

A captain reviewing the paperwork reportedly muttered, “I can’t even get these guys to show up for formation, but they’re running Montessori programs now?”

Commanders Attempt Damage Control

Senior leaders moved quickly to reassure the public.

“We are proud of our troops’ initiative,” said one public affairs officer, standing in front of a projector displaying the words ‘Childcare Excellence Through Discipline’. “That said, daycare centers should not be run out of conex containers, Humvees, or tents labeled ‘Not for Human Occupancy.’”

Troops were reminded that “If your daycare only exists during banking hours and disappears during inspections, it is not a daycare.”

This reminder was ignored.

Soldiers Cite Training Parallels

Many enlisted operators defended their qualifications.

“I’ve been responsible for grown adults who need constant supervision,” said one staff sergeant. “Honestly, toddlers might be easier.”

Another soldier added, “We already do headcounts, incident reports, and snack distribution. This is basically staff duty with juice boxes.”

Pentagon Considers New MOS

Sources confirm the Pentagon is now considering a new Military Occupational Specialty:
92D — Imaginary Daycare Operations Specialist

Training would include:

• Advanced spreadsheet creativity
• Defensive use of buzzwords like “community enrichment”
• Rapid closure drills when auditors appear
• Explaining how 12 kids attended daycare during a 30-day deployment

Graduates would receive a certificate, a challenge coin, and a strongly worded email.

Conclusion

As investigations continue, commanders have issued a simple directive to the force:

“If you do not own a building, employ staff, or interact with children, you are not running a daycare—no matter how good the reimbursement looks.”

They also reminded troops that since the Army isn’t run by corrupt Democrats, there will be consequences for carrying out acts of massive fraud. Until then, America can rest easy knowing its military remains adaptable, mission-focused, and fully capable of identifying a government funding stream from a distance of 300 meters.

Parents seeking childcare are advised to look elsewhere—preferably somewhere that doesn’t close for weapons qualification and Sergeants Time.

But hey, at least the troops can spell the word “Learning.”

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Hugh is an imaginary former junior enlisted soldier in the US Army, who retired as an E4 after 10 years of service in the National Guard. He thinks soldier-run day care is a GREAT idea.

This article is a production of Article 107 News. Article 107 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “false official statements.” Make of that what you will.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.