Bittersweet Reflection

I stand on the precipice of change. I have spent over half a decade pursuing this dream that now feels all but inevitable. As I stand here, its taste is bittersweet. My emotions are a pendulum, swinging from happiness to sadness.

Organizations are nothing more—or less—than the people within them. When I left the military, it wasn’t the Regiment I missed; it was the people. It was what they stood for. The organization was simply the means. As I stand on this precipice, it is the people that I already miss—the very people I have come to depend on.

I will miss the late-night conversations about life, happiness, family, leadership, hardships, frustrations, and the full spectrum of topics life has to offer, including those that shall not be mentioned here. I will miss the team I’ve become a part of—the team that has grown, and continues to grow, into a single cohesive unit, depending on one another.

I will miss the adrenaline, the mission, the feelings that come with helping others, and the satisfaction that comes with bringing consequences to truly horrible humans. I will miss the daily complexity of decisions made in the midst of chaos. I will miss the love built over time on a foundation of trust—the love behind the gut-wrenching fear that follows a scuffled or unanswered radio call. The love behind the anger that builds as I fight to be even fractions of a second closer to them.

There are just as many things—and people—I will not miss. Failing to acknowledge that would be to romanticize this profession. It’s equally true that new frustrations lie ahead, as well as new friendships, because there is no such thing as perfect.

I can only hope that others might miss me as much as I miss them. That I might have made a positive impact on those around me, and through them, the organization as a whole. I am far from perfect and made my fair share of mistakes—as well as enemies—but I can only hope my time here was a net positive. If nothing else, I hope my mistakes serve as tarnished examples of what not to do.

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Jake Smith is a law enforcement officer and former Army Ranger with four deployments to Afghanistan.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.