Burdens of Saving a Life

Whether its provenance is fact or fiction, I hold it true: “Save a life and you are responsible for it.” My life forever changed in 2015. The news shattered my life. A life taken not in war but by war. Every moment since I have become hypersensitive. Every misplaced word or action is a sign I cannot ignore.  Signs I once ignorantly missed.

Since 2015 I have collected. I have collected the lost souls the majority have ignored. I have collected those tormented by the wars of past. I have fought to avoid the feelings I felt that day in 2015. I have fought to collect the souls standing on an invisible ledge. I collected and assumed a self-created responsibility. 

I become tormented by every ignored text or phone call. I obsess. I search. Every empty result a sign of success until affirmation. Their every failure a reflection on my inadequacies. Their every success affirmation of their value. 

Every life I have “saved” is my responsibility, not by obligation but arrogant self-declaration. Their survival a testament to their will and ability, not mine. I serve as nothing more than a looking glass. I bear their every failure and deserve not a single breath of their success. 

I bear a burden obligated by no one. I have sworn an oath to everyone under no authority. I bear the burden of my failures. My failure to preserve the most precious gift, a gift that was never mine to preserve. I also bear the burden of gifts preserved. I bear the arrogantly self-declared burden of preserving the thing that is not mine. I bear the responsibility of every life I have “saved” and every life I have “failed.” 

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This first appeared in The Havok Journal on May 30, 2024.

Jake Smith is a law enforcement officer and former Army Ranger with four deployments to Afghanistan.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.