A Cop’s Guide to Brain Surgery

Editor’s Note: Yes, we have to say this: the “medical advice” in this piece is satire. Do not attempt any of it, unless your long-term plan involves a Darwin Award.

To put things in context, I am a recently retired member of law enforcement. I spent over twenty-four years working the streets as a cop, SWAT operator, and a detective. I retired as the supervisor of my department’s Investigations Division.

Now that we have that out of the way, I want to share my thoughts on brain surgery.

If you have brain problems, you can try drilling holes in your head to relieve the pressure. This is known as trephining and was used in the past to let evil spirits escape from your head. If you have personality disorders, I recommend a frontal lobotomy. Although, if I’m being completely honest here, I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!

For other brain-related issues, I recommend separating the medulla from the oblongata. If that doesn’t work, try dumping some drain cleaner in one of the trephining holes to clean the whole thing out.

Barring these invasive procedures, you can also try a hard strike to the head with a rubber mallet. This will cause a factory reset, clearing the brain of any bad thoughts. It’s kind of like unplugging your computer, counting to 10, then plugging it back in.

You can also try using an air compressor to blow out any unnecessary gunk in your head. It will easily pass through one ear and out the other, making a pleasant whistling sound! Be advised, though, if you already drilled some holes and filled them with drain cleaner, some of the fluids can shoot out and hit you in the eye. One way to avoid this is to drill a hole at the base of the skull to let fluids drain out. I call this a “brain drain.”

Once surgery is complete, pack the holes with rubber cement, bubble gum, or whatever you have available, and cover with 100 Mile-Per-Hour tape. Leave one part of the tape unsealed to prevent a collapsed lung.

As a disclaimer, I’m not a brain surgeon. I have never been to medical school, never completed residency, nor have I done any actual brain surgery. But despite that, I didn’t see any reason why my uneducated opinions are any less valid than those of an actual trained surgeon.

However, I could provide an educated opinion about law enforcement uses of force, such as what the proper, legal amount of force is that can be used, when you can use it, and so on.

But hey, who needs that? Everyone who has access to the internet or a television is just as qualified as I am to weigh in on the topic!

Please tune in next week when I’ll be breaking down Einstein’s theory of relativity and how it relates to the space-time continuum.

Disclaimer: Please don’t use any medical advice I provided in this article. I don’t really know anything about brain surgery, even though I acted like I did. Conversely, if you lack a background in use of force, I will ignore any of your comments on that topic.

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Nick Perna is a Police Officer with the Redwood City Police Department in Northern California. He has spent much of his career as a gang and narcotics investigator. He is a member of a Multi-Jurisdictional SWAT Team since 2001 and is currently a Team Leader. He previously served as a paratrooper in the U.S. Army and is a veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom. He has a master’s degree from the University Of San Francisco.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.