To Hell with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
This pragmatic quote by Leo Jenkins, a former Army Ranger medic and author of On Assimilation: A Ranger’s Return from War, provides insight into my struggle with the mystery of the incomprehensible: “If you want to know what causes PTSD, it isn’t the act of killing, it is the terrible cognitive dissonance which results from the contortion of standards in morality. If killing is bad, we should not pay our citizens to do it. If it isn’t bad, we shouldn’t condemn those paid individuals for a job well done.”
I knew my son. A part of his heart and soul remained inaccessible, closed off — stuffed in that dark, unmentionable box — the invisible box in the room, standing unopened between him and I. I knew my adult Warrior Son saw, experienced, and did things my Warrior Child never imagined. Like his mom, my tender-hearted Warrior Son employed humor to release ‘stuff’ popping open the lock on his heart.
My son’s inner war was as far off and distant to my mother’s heart as the war itself. Muzzled by the blockade of political correctness, a form of “don’t ask, don’t tell,” the silence prohibited us from experiencing worthwhile and meaningful conversations regarding our cognitive dissonances. As one Ranger related to me, “I know what she [his mom] sees in her little boy and I know what that little boy has done, those things are better left unsaid.” Perhaps I’m a different kind of bird. Any lioness mom would willingly take a bullet to shield their child or to step up to take part in their healing. My son was killed before he could tell me stories he wanted to share one day.
One of his commanders gave me insight into some battles my son experienced, triggering his emotional issues early on in the war. They confirmed my intuitive fears described by Alexandre Dumas in The Count of Monte Cristo, “Moral wounds have this peculiarity — they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
I made sure not one eyelash flinched as his commander briefly touched on the horribilis of war. Honored by his transparency, my heartfelt both saddened and awed. Awed by my son’s resilience, bravery, and skill. Awed by my son’s loyalties. Awed by the leader my valiant adult son became. Saddened that imposed silence did not allow my son to understand that I was willing to bear any of his painful inner struggles. Saddened that denying me the opportunity to listen alienated me from supporting my son if, when, or as he processed his moral wounds.
That uneasy censorship also prevented me from asking my son his thoughts about the best sermon I heard that will never make it into a pulpit. My friend, a disabled Vietnam Vet, was asked by VA doctors, “Do you ever experience nightmares?”
He replied, “No! Those sons of bitches don’t get to invade my dreams. This is MY dream. This is MY life. They don’t get to mess with me, so I just shot the little bastards. And I won’t surrender my power to their asses. They don’t own me.”
Reflection: What owns you? What power do you want to regain? What steps will you take today to move forward?
This first appeared in The Havok Journal on December 3, 2014.
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Resources:
Veterans Crisis Line: The Veterans Crisis Line connects veterans in crisis and their families and friends with qualified, caring Department of Veterans Affairs responders through a confidential toll-free hotline, online chat, or text. Veterans and their loved ones can call 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1, chat online, or send a text message to 838255 to receive confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Support for deaf and hard-of-hearing individuals is available.
Soldier’s Heart: Soldier’s Heart provides programs including return retreats, veteran-to-veteran mentoring, and national support for community-based services for returning veterans and veterans of all wars.
Check out the group nearest you: “Regional Contacts”
Call 518-274-0501 ext. 10
Write to info@soldiersheart.net
Grace After Fire: Grace After Fire is dedicated to helping women veterans help themselves by providing the means for them to gain knowledge, insight and self-renewal. The team at Grace guides women veterans through peer-to-peer outreach as they re-enter their communities, the workforce, and as they redefine their roles for a successful future.
P.O. Box 185804, Fort Worth, Texas 76181-0804
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Craig Lloyd Faulkner
A story of survival, forgiveness, and spiritual awakening.
On Assimilation: A Ranger’s Return from War
Leo Jenkins, Matthew Sanders
Some wars don’t end. Some scars don’t heal. Some bonds can’t be broken — you are not alone.
Warrior’s Return: Restoring the Soul After War
Edward Tick, Ph.D.
Explores ancient and cross-cultural warrior traditions revealing the necessities for successful warrior return.
The War After the War: A Warrior’s Journey Home
John Wesley Fisher
Revealing the Soldier’s Heart Model for healing PTSD.
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[1] ‘Ancient Monarchies,’ vol. 1. p. 304; vol. 3. p. 436.
[2] Albert Kirk Grayson, Assyrian Royal Inscriptions, Part 2: From Tiglath-pileser I to Ashur-nasir-apli II (Wiesbaden, Germ.: Otto Harrassowitz, 1976), p. 124.
[3] Daniel David Luckenbill, Ancient Records of Assyria and Babylonia , 2 vols. (Chicago Univ. of Chicago Press, 1926–1927), vol. 2, sec. 254.
[4] Ravi Zacharias, Ravi Zacharias Q & A: If War Is Ever Just. Accessed November 15, 2014. URL: www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3L9bWDmROg
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Scoti Springfield Domeij is the proud Gold Star mom of 2/75 Army Ranger, Sgt. 1st Class Kristoffer Domeij, KIA on October 22, 2011 during his 14th deployment in Afghanistan. Kristoffer’s death inducted Scoti into the amazing military family and Ranger community. A civilian, Scoti is woefully ignorant of military protocol and acronyms.
She serves as Director of Springs Writers, is a solo-parenting columnist for Colorado Springs Kids, was editor/writer for nine publishers. She’s published in diverse publications including The New York Times, Southwest Art, School Daze, SAM Journal, and parenting magazines. She contributed stories to Violence of Action: The Untold Stories of the 75th Ranger Regiment in the War on Terror (Blackside Concepts), Love is a Verb Devotional and Heaven Touching Earth (Bethany House), Christmas Miracles (St. Martin’s Press), Extraordinary Answers to Prayer: In Times of Change (Guideposts), and The Mommy Diaries: Finding Yourself in the Daily Adventure (Revell).
A researchaholic, Scoti was Senior Research Assistant/Art Production Coordinator for the 27-part film series shot on location in Israel entitled That the World May Know. She interacted with top scholars, archeologists and museums while researching geography, seasons, feasts, culture, dress, facial ethnicity, machinery, furniture, weapons, wars, architecture, archeological discoveries, Roman culture and government, ancient religious beliefs, flora and fauna to conceptualize historically, archeologically and biblically-accurate art compositions used for over 200 art renderings and maps.
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