After 2 1/2 hours of my terrorists fighting over who gets to play Halo, who sits in the middle chair, and Athena passing nightmares in the form of gas; it is time for lunch. I have no idea why, but they want MRE’s. I let each kid pick their own. Caden picks #10 Chili Mac. I tell him thats a solid choice. Caleb and Colton both pick #17 Sausage maple patty. I ask the two youngest boys if they are sure about that, because it is pretty nasty one. They both insist. Until Colton sees that he has no Wild Berry Skittles, and Caden’s meal does. I try to explain the fine nuances of how some have good shit, and some have hot garbage inside, and that he got a hot garbage MRE. He is having none of it. I relent and go get him a Chili Mac. I tell the boys not to touch anything in their MRE because I will heat it up for them. When I get back into the office Caleb has already opened his and is eating the pressed and formed meat. Cold.
He has also failed to notice that the maple meat juice has leaked all over his pants. He smells awful. Just…awful. I get Caden’s going. I open everything up for him, and It’s gone in minutes. I’m actually impressed. I have students who can’t choke down one after a field exercise, but this 11 yr old smashed it like a boss. I turn around to find that Colton has just thrown EVERYTHING, not called Skittles, into the trash. Caleb is covered in so many crumbs from the crackers, that have stuck to the maple meat juice on his clothing, he looks like a damn bird feeder. He is fighting Athena off of him, because she is trying to lick his crotch area where he spilled the meat juice.
The boys are hungry again. I don’t know how. They have killed an MRE and over a dozen donuts between them. I peel them some oranges. I hand Caden his, then give the other two theirs. As soon as I turn my back I hear “Dad, can I have another orange?” All I can say is “How the hell is that even possible? It’s been 11 seconds!” I tell him he can have more. He ends up eating 4.
Athena’s farts are like a laboring woman’s contractions; 2 minutes apart and getting stronger. They make no sound. They just show up like tiny vikings, raping and pillaging you nasal cavity. The room now has it’s own humidity. It is like the fucking 2008 Beijing summer Olympics in the office. There is just a polluted cloud barely above head height. I’m so angry, that I could easily kick the shit out of my damn dog. But I don’t, because I’m afraid of literally kicking shit out of her.
Colton, who up until this point has been surprisingly well behaved, has started to unravel. He is bored because everything he wants to play with is either a knife, or something in someone else’s desk, or Sharpie marker. He has two demands at this point.
Not to wear clothes. I meet him half way and allow him to take his socks and shirt off.
Draw on everything. I let him draw on a whiteboard. All over another cadre’s example, of the Monroe Effect. That shit isn’t important anyway. If you want to know what the Monroe Effect is, Google that shit.
The wheels have come off. Caleb and Colton both need naps. Caleb is just picking on everyone because he is bored Then cries when he gets put in time out, under a desk. He keeps asking what he did wrong. Oh, I don’t know, buddy! Maybe cutting open a chem light, after I told you not to, with a knife I told you not to touch, and dumping it out on the dog is why you are in time out. For the record, we did turn out the lights and watch the dog run around. And for the record, it was awesome.
Colton has to pee. This is normally not an issue. I just pull his pants down, lift him up, and let him spray and pray into the urinal. For some reason, he wants to pee in the toilet like a big boy. The problem is that he’s just barely tall enough to get his dangly bits over the rim. He has to stand on his tippy toes. But since he is the most bull headed child on this planet, I let him have a go at it. He is actually doing pretty well. As he is about to finish, I flush the toilet. Normally this wouldn’t be a big issue, but Colton doesn’t like loud noises. At all, and our toilets are insanely loud. I’m pretty sure you could flush a body down our shitters. They sound like friggen rocket going past you, when you flush. So Colton hears the roar of the toilet go off, and it scares him. It scares him so bad, that he grits his teeth, covers his ears, and turns around to face me. While still pissing. He pissed on the back of the toilet, the wall, the stall, the ground, the toilet paper rolls, on my pant leg, and my boot. He calmly looks at his masterpiece, and then at me. All he says is “Whoa. You’re wet.” Then waddles his tiny, pale, squishy, white ass out of the bathroom.
All has been calm for a few hours. Caleb passed out under a desk without a shirt on. Caden is balls deep in Minecraft nerdery. Colton is eating another donut. I’m just glad Carisa is almost here. I wake up Caleb, so he can help me pack up all the stuff. He stands straight up under the desk, and hits his head so hard it buckles his knees. Shortly after that, Carisa arrives. Everyone is super happy to see her. Including Athena, who greats her with lots of kisses, and her worst fart of the day. It actually makes my wife gag. We visit for 10 or 15 minutes, and then get the kids loaded in the car. I give her a kiss and send my family on their way. I return to the last half of my shift.
Carisa calls me before bed to tell me that the boys all fell asleep in the car in minutes. And that Athen farted the entire way home.
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