God Only in Fear

The most devout heathen seems to find their deity in their moments of greatest tribulation. They preach the gospel of atheism with piousness when their bellies are full, and the world is in abundance.

There is no God until they stare down mortality. There is only God in fear and suffering. They pray to the heavens, bargaining with the deity they so passionately denied. They fall to their knees and beg. They beg for food, freedom, and forgiveness.

When the moments have passed, the journey becomes evidence of their own talent and grit. The almighty doublethink sequesters the past. “There are no atheists in foxholes,” they say.

The words of the “righteous” are no more honest or just in a life of “sin.” The righteous fall with the weakest temptations. The spoken words of repentance forgive the unforgivable. Righteousness pardons wickedness. Sin on Saturday and pray on Sunday.

Without consistency, we are neither gentle nor pious, we are merely hypocrites. Our actions, words, and beliefs are valued by their predictability. They must hold a throughline. Faith can waver, be found, and become lost so long as history does not forget. So long as we are honest and consistent. The hypocrisy lies in religion as a means of desperation or manipulation. I would much rather die an honest agnostic, left to grapple with decomposing into nothingness or one day forced to answer for my actions.

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Jake Smith is a law enforcement officer and former Army Ranger. He deployed to Afghanistan four times during his Army service. For The Havok Journal, he writes from the perspective of both military service and law enforcement, often on military life, leadership, loss, and transition.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.