It is hard for me to admit the truth. That the weight became too much. The obligation of trying to focus on so many names every day. How so many together was always there to catch and snag with almost every task. How they physically hurt those I love. Those loved ones who must also bear the secondary effects of my pain every day. I hated taking them off, cleaning them, and restacking them. I wanted them to always be perfect, yet they never were. Stacked they rubbed and wore the others down. Each adjustment an evaluation of how tattered the names had become.
The truth is, every time someone asked me to remove them, every time they snagged, every time someone grabbed them, there flickered a flame of anger deep within. I became defensive. Their burdens apparent by my rapid shift in mood. At work, when someone grabbed them, I ended that action with a rapid reaction. Upon reflection I wondered why I so quickly shifted my approach, though I knew the answer, I was just too afraid to admit aloud.
Their burdens are no less than before. Their impact on my life forever etched into who I am. Their names never forgotten. With but a simple question, their names, dates, and reasons recited. But now I can better protect them. I can better protect those around me, and, if I am being honest, I can better protect myself. They now cycle their place on my wrist every week. Their daily frustration and burden lessoned. Every last rep just a single name to recite. Just a single name to remember and reflect upon. The others are never forgotten, and their reps are to come.
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This first appeared in The Havok Journal August 14, 2024.
Jake Smith is a law enforcement officer and former Army Ranger with four deployments to Afghanistan.
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