Suffering Alone

As the falling droplets began to run cold, I contemplated the options. Should I call the man who understood such a lapse the most? The man for which no lie could evade the truth.

Should I call the man who intellectually might understand such a desperate plea?

Should I call the man mere moments away and blindly loyal to such an early morning plea?

As I stood over the remnants of the evening meal, forced projected to avoid such dilemmas. I knew why I never considered my wife. I could lie about the merits of her early morning work call being the barrier, but the truth was I wanted to compartmentalize the pain. I wanted to hide its severity.

I contemplated a man who I needed no words to explain such a pain–a man I knew I needed no plea of discretion, or a man I knew I could manipulate. I knew all along I would never call anyone. I knew all along I would spend this night suffering alone. 

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This first appeared in The Havok Journal on December 12, 2023.

Jake Smith is a law enforcement officer and former Army Ranger with four deployments to Afghanistan.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.