Editor’s Note: The Havok Journal seeks to serve as the Voice of the Veteran Community, including law enforcement and first responders, through a focus on current affairs and articles of interest to the public in general, and the veteran community in particular. This includes family members and anyone who cares about the Veteran Community. Share your thoughts with others by sending them to firstname.lastname@example.org.
You may not have noticed – I’ve mostly dropped out from writing even a short essay these last weeks. It’s not as if I’ve nothing to say. But the energy to bang away on the keyboard just isn’t there. I think about it, and then find something else to do – play a computer game, read another frustrating article online or think about calling a friend and then do nothing, maybe stare out the window. Hell, I don’t even have the desire to go downstairs and grab a beer!
If I’m half-honest with myself, I’ll admit to being “down” – tell myself it’s only temporary, but I’ve been sunk in it for a while. Don’t want to admit to depression, rationalize how shitty things are – and it doesn’t matter where you are in the political spectrum – or pro or anti-Trump – so many people are frustrated and unhappy, welcome to the club Bro!
But, I constantly tell myself, I’ve only my own two feet to walk on. I want to get from A to B, I have to get off my ass and move. Doesn’t matter if anyone else can or can’t. Blame games aren’t going to get me anywhere. I’ve got to do it for myself.
So tonight I told myself to get my fingers out of my nose and start typing – even with my eyes closing. I’ve a couple of tooth picks within easy reach if I even dare plead my eyes are closing – prop them up with toothpicks then!
I don’t know. It’s a challenge. Mine are easy-peasy compared to what others have to deal with. I’m not a VET or a refugee. Can’t claim PTSD though I at times want to scream something. Tell myself the “incoming” rocks flung by slings of outrageous fate are bullshit – but it doesn’t help much when I still want to sit and do nothing but stare into empty space. But…but
But I know all the bitching and moaning isn’t helping me. So I swallowed and decided to share the burden. Heck writing and reading helps. I can sometimes share other peoples’ struggles I find on Havok. I believe in the mental woowie stuff of thoughts going out – “Hey girl, guy, it’s going to be all right. I’m in your corner – we’re all in this together.” So maybe tonight or when you read this you’ll be in my corner? I’m smiling. And next week I’ll be back in yours.
Better yet. I’m learning to share some of the burden of being human; glad I’m going back into the ring to fight it out with professional help before the end of the year – well a couple of days before the end of the year, and that process started 11 months ago. Life needed a big runway, a really big runway. At least I knew I wasn’t alone. I guess that’s a thought to share: You’re not alone and you can get help – may take a while so if you need it, reach out and start the process. Otherwise, you can sit down as I did tonight, knock down one barrier and share your thoughts with others on Havok.
Good luck and God bless.
Ken was a Professor of Mathematics, a ceramicist, a welder, and an IBMer until downsized in 2000. He taught yoga until COVID-19 decided otherwise. He continues writing, living with his wife and beagle in Shorewood, Wisconsin. He enjoys chamber music and mysteries. He’s a homebrewer and runs whitewater rivers. Ken is a writer and his literary works can be found at https://www.kmkbooks.com/
He welcomes feedback on his articles and can be reached at email@example.com.
As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.