The Reaper

From childhood to adulthood, I have felt his breath upon my neck. I have lived with him longer than without. I have borne witness to his labors. I have felt his crushing aftermath. I have done his work. I have protected others from him. I have stood numb to his toils. I have been brought to my knees in his wake. 

His every breath the stark reminder that motives me. He has taken from me as much as he has given. I have taken to stave his hand upon my shoulder. I have risked his hand upon my shoulder without a second thought so others might only feel his fleeting breath. 

Motionless, blood curdling screams, tremors, anger, joy, abandonment of lifelong beliefs, relief, guilt. I have witnessed their every reaction. I have felt their every reaction. I have become what I must. I have become numb. I have become numb until it is all over. I have become numb until I am alone. I have become numb because I am needed.  

I run from him. I chase him. I hide from him. I stare him in the eyes. I love him. I hate him. I fear him. I cherish him. 

From childhood to adulthood, I have felt the Reaper’s breath upon my neck. I have lived with the Reaper longer than without.  I have borne witness to the Reaper’s labors. I have felt the Reaper’s crushing aftermath. I have done the Reaper’s work. I love the Reaper. I hate the Reaper. I fear the Reaper. I cherish the Reaper. 

I have taken for the Reaper. I am willing to take for the Reaper. I am willing to sacrifice to the Reaper.  Every waking moment I feel the Reaper’s breath upon my neck, the stark reminder that motivates me.  Every waking hour I remember what the Reaper has taken. Every day I reflect upon what I have given and taken for the Reaper. Every day I reflect upon what I am willing to give and take for the Reaper.

Every day, he is there. Every day, he will be there, until he rests his hand upon my shoulder. Will I have given? Will someone have taken? When he rests his hand upon my shoulder, will all that I have given and all that I have taken have been worth it?

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This first appeared in The Havok Journal on July 3, 2024.

Jake Smith is a law enforcement officer and former Army Ranger with four deployments to Afghanistan.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.