Depression: The Ferocious War against My Soul

by Cosette Joy Perrodin

Why this sadness and deep sorrow? Why these bitter tears?
Why do I mask these thoughts? Why won’t I face my fears?
Why won’t I tell the world what goes on inside?
Why do I turn my face away? Why do I run and hide?

I’m frightened that the words I say will blow away—unheard.
People will tell me that they care, but won’t show it in deed, just word.
Is this a battle I must fight alone? Will no one join my cause?
The enemy approaches me. I stand here, scared and lost.

I raise my shield and do my best to ward off the attack,
But my efforts are useless with no one there to watch my back.
The enemy’s weapon is strong but I am very weak.
And he uses it against me with a horrible, laughing shriek.

He raises it above my head, ready for the strike.
This brutal attack upon my soul is one that he will like.
Then his dagger, called DEPRESSION, pierces my heart and makes it bleed.
It makes me forget the joy of life and renders pointless my every deed.

I fall upon the ground, weakened by the pain.
And slowly the message of the dagger sinks into my brain.
“You’re worthless.” Though no one says it, it echoes in my head.
“The world would be so much better off, if only you were dead.”

I am sinking in my sorrow; my bitter tears form puddles on the floor.
The dagger’s lie rings loud and clear: “There’s nothing worth fighting for.”
The ache inside my heart makes me start to buy the lie.
I only want to escape the pain. Perhaps the only way is to die.

The enemy sees that he’s winning; he’s gotten inside my mind.
He whispers, “Death is the only way; stay alive and more sorrow is all you’ll find.”
My brain is weakened by the hurt; I cannot think quite right.
I do not see that it’s only lies; more heartache is the only thing in sight.

Finally he’s done it. I’m being crushed beneath the weight
Of lies that push me to the ground; is this to be my fate?
My enemy deposits me in an ocean of depression where I’m too weak to swim.
“I only want to get out!” I scream and, thinking of God I cry out to Him.

Is it too late to escape the swirling waters that begin to pull me down?
Depression rushes over my head, I cannot breathe, I’m going to drown.
All of this was started by a lie, but now I think it’s true.
Sinking in this ocean alone, there’s nothing I can do.

But then I see an anchor and I begin to hope.
Maybe if I grab on then I will stay afloat!
Maybe it will pull me to the safety of a ship.
And I begin to think that I’m not ready yet to quit.

With my final strength I reach out and cling to it with all my might.
I’ve done what I can; I will not let go! I will not give up the fight!
At last! The anchor begins to lift me out – out of that dreadful sea.
My body emerges from the water and I finally know I’m free.

My aching lungs rejoice as they pull in the fresh, sweet air.
And as I’m lifted into the boat, I know that I’m safe there.
I look up to see my Savior who holds me in arms both strong and kind.
I cling to Him and suddenly realize that He never left my side.

I can go on, but not forever, pushing against the enemy with all my might.
My Savior is only waiting for me to call on Him; to recognize that He can win this fight.
The enemy wages a ferocious war, a war against my soul.
But my Savior can hold me together and it’s He who makes me whole.

I know that the enemy will come again, and again he will attack.
The fight will be hard but now I know that Jesus has got my back.
And the Truth at last has dawned on me: by myself I cannot win.
My hope, my strength, my victory is through Him and only Him.

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This first appeared in The Havok Journal on February 25, 2019. At the time, Cosette Perrodin was in eleventh grade and homeschooled. She has seven siblings and is an avid reader and writer. She also loves to draw, knit, jump-rope, and hike. She’s passionate about working with children and teenagers and plans to pursue a degree in child development.