How to Ruin a Fairy Tale Without Even Trying

I’m not a bit provoked with Rachel Zegler. It wasn’t her decision to woke up one of Disney’s most beloved movies and try to peddle it as a straight up live action remake. Corporate Disney did that. They rebuilt Snow White into the “strong independent leader she was born to be”, and they stripped the Prince of his royal title, making him a thief instead. They even updated the reason Snow White was named Snow White to begin with; since having fair skin is something to be ashamed of now, they say she was given that name for having a fair HEART.

It was Disney that wrote that new story and titled it “Snow White.” All Rachel did was give us a rare honest glimpse into the deep left radical nanny state mentality; the absolute joy they take in destroying anything they don’t approve of, and the utter contempt they have for anyone who isn’t in rigid lockstep with them. Imagine how spoiled you gotta be raised to believe that’s normal.

But if Disney is determined to blow through buckets of money bringing old fables and fairy tales up to code, I’d sure like to help. Here are a few ideas I came up with:

The Three Little Pigs: There’s no need to waste precious resources by having each one one of them build his own home out of questionable materials. Have them work together to build one house they can all feel comfortable in and secure it with a “Big Bad Wolf Free Zone” sign on the front door.

Rapunzel: Give that girl some dreadlocks so the Prince can maintain a better grip as he Adam West Batmans his way up the side of the castle keep.

Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Needs a total teardown and rewrite. The original is pure white privilege run amok; this little blonde girl colonizes a bear family’s home, immediately declares 2/3 of everything in it to be unacceptable, and seizes the other 1/3 for herself.

The Little Dutch Boy: Get rid of him entirely. If he’s not there to plug the leak, the dam will burst and the river can go back to flowing where Mother Earth intended (thought I was gonna make a joke about a kid with his finger in a dike, didn’tya? Grow up).

Little Red Riding Hood: “My what big ears you have, grandma”. “My what a long nose you have, grandma”. Gotta be a way to get that story told without all the body shaming.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf: Actually, this one really could use an update. We’ve got an entire political ideology full of people out there who either don’t know the story or don’t understand the lesson. Rewrite it as “The Pandering Politician Who Cried Racist”. And film it 17 years ago.

Bama has been a rodeo cowboy, a professional stuntman, and, for 39 years and counting, a bouncer at various biker bars and redneck rat cage juke joints through the Deep South. He makes cool stuff as Crimson Tied Paragear, using knots his Army Ranger Scoutmaster taught him at Boy Scout summer camp deep in the Okinawan boonies back in 1972.

As the Voice of the Veteran Community, The Havok Journal seeks to publish a variety of perspectives on a number of sensitive subjects. Unless specifically noted otherwise, nothing we publish is an official point of view of The Havok Journal or any part of the U.S. government.