by Hugh Jashol, Article 107 News*
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move applauded by both medical professionals and every E-4 who’s ever screamed “fake news” during barracks inspections, the Surgeon General has issued a new advisory warning that watching U.S. news media now poses a significant threat to mental, emotional, and physical readiness—especially within the ranks.
The warning, labeled “more dangerous than expired DFAC chicken,” comes after a joint study between the Department of Health and Human Services and an Army research battalion based entirely out of the Fort Leonard Wood bowling alley.
“We’ve known for years that the media was bad for morale,” said Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy, “but we didn’t know it was worse than being on staff duty with a malfunctioning coffee machine and a broken Bluetooth speaker blasting Sean Hannity at 2 a.m.”
Identified Symptoms of Excess News Exposure:
- Uncontrollable rage when reading any headline
- Calling your battle buddy a “Russian bot” during CQ shift
- Inability to complete a thought without referencing Joe Rogan
- Attempting to field-strip a Keurig because it “might be woke”
MILITARY “STUDIES” REVEAL STUNNING RESULTS
The Army’s newly created Research Institute for Policy and Information Technology-(RIP-IT) released a highly confidential 98-slide PowerPoint (with all animations turned on) showing that troops exposed to more than 30 minutes of news per day experienced:
- A 36% increase in failed ACFT events
- A 52% decrease in motivation to shave or wear matching socks
- A 100% increase in unsolicited and unwanted political rants during PT
“We had one Soldier watch both CNN and Fox News in the same sitting,” said LTC Jared McMuffin, head of the research team. “He tried to waterboard himself with Rip-It to make it stop.”
Further data showed a sharp rise in PT catastrophes across all branches:
- Marines began skipping leg day, citing “mainstream bias against glutes.”
- Airmen refused to run unless “both sides of the political spectrum agreed it was a good idea.”
- Soldiers failed the plank due to constant doomscrolling mid-core contraction.
One Navy Petty Officer reportedly tried to reenlist as a podcast host after watching three hours of Don Lemon clips.
CABLE NEWS RESPONDS… POORLY
Major networks quickly condemned the advisory. MSNBC released a 12-part documentary titled “How the Surgeon General Gaslit Democracy” while Fox News retaliated with a panel of 14 retired colonels and a live reenactment of the Boston Tea Party using pool noodles and a stress ball.
Tucker Carlson appeared briefly from an undisclosed location to whisper:
“This… is what tyranny looks like,” before vanishing in a cloud of eagle feathers and powdered Constitution.
THE OFFICIAL RECOMMENDATION
“Turn it off. Just… turn it all off,” Dr. Murthy advised during the press briefing, now being broadcast via semaphore to avoid YouTube commentary.
“Go outside. Touch some grass. Hug your squad leader. Read a book. A real book. With pages. With pages that don’t have naked women on them.”
The final health guidance includes:
- Maximum 10 minutes of daily news exposure, preferably in comic strip format
- Substitution of news apps with Bob Ross reruns, goat yoga, or sandbag carries
- Immediate cessation of all political debates before 0600
At press time, multiple units across the U.S. Army reported increased morale, improved APFT scores, and fewer “hot takes” in the group chat after disconnecting from 24/7 news. One infantry squad in Fort Benning achieved total Zen after smashing a television and replacing it with a bonsai tree.
“We still don’t know what’s happening in the world,” said one Specialist, chain-smoking unfiltered Camels and sipping his fifth energy drink of the day in blissful ignorance. “And honestly? It’s amazing.”
*Article 107 of the military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice covers “False Official Statements.” As our name implies, we are a satirical news site, and you shouldn’t think anything we publish is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. Yeah, laying off of the news cycle is probably pretty smart, but you also need to put down the cigarettes and the Red Bull there, Sparky.
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